POLAR VORTEX, CT – Baby it’s cold outside… but it’s warm over here. While I though there might be a chance I would be invited to the Super Bowl to cheer on my Broncos in person, alas… there was not. This is a good thing though, as I would have declined the invitation (for reasons Angry Ward detailed in his post), but I would have sat at home and second guessed the decision.
Instead, I will be donning my 1994 Elway throwback jersey and rooting with my Littlest Cookie (he has a Peyton Manning jersey) for the Broncos, at a friend’s house (aka, a place with a basement where no kid can come upstairs unless they are bleeding). But if you’re not into this big game (you gotta be CRAZY not to be), here are a few ideas of what to do with your Super Bowl Alternatives for Super Bowl Sunday:
1) Find your enemies, and tell them you’re going to throw them off a balcony and break them in half, like a little boy:
2) Watch the Pussy Bowl. This is TRUE. I am not being slyly blue here. Just as there is the halftime Puppy Bowl, there is also going to be a Pussy Bowl (OK…maybe it MIGHT be called the Kitten Bowl, but I’m too lazy to check and my title appeals to the audience here). You can watch cute little kittens tumble all over each other and the gridiron, pee here and there, and then call some local shelter to do your part and adopt them. What a GREAT way to get tail!!!
3) Improve Your Stick Handling Skills: Because it IS still hockey season and there are people who’ve actually got some FIERCE skills that should not go unnoticed. Ladies and gents, Chicago Blackhawks’ Patrick Kane:
4) Improve Your Stick Handling Skills, Part Deux: This version is for Canadians, but not Canadian hockey players, because they’re actually good.
5) Other things you can do… hug a friend, go down the big slide at Super Bowl Boulevard (and when is this site gonna get a SARACASM font anyway?!), pen a love letter to Peyton Manning, get tickets to see The Harlem Globetrotters (the only basketball worth seeing in my book), create your Countdown Calendar for when pitchers and catchers report, enter an Academy Award Pool (again, we need that SARCASM FONT on this god damn site), and… take over/unders on when this Polar Vortex sh*t will end for most of this country (West Coast Craig… don’t rub it in and yes I AM praying for rain for your avocado plant).
And with that… I’m outta here. I’ve got pigs to wrap in blankets, cornbread to make for my host’s chili and January to kiss the f*ck goodbye. Come on back tomorrow for the last day of January, ushered out by the words of Junoir Blaber… And check out Meet The Matts Radio (podcasts) if you haven’t yet.
