HOLLYWOOD, CA – We live in a digital age they say, but for me they don’t know just how right they are. I am Jose Canseco’s finger, and I led a pretty charmed life until the big fool shot me off last month. I once held the bats that hit over 460 home runs! I was wrapped around the leather steering wheels of speeding Ferraris! Caressed beautiful women! Held the hypo-needles that stuck the butts of future Hall of Famers! Typed the keys that led to best sellers! I thought the lowest moment came a few years ago when I stooped to get involved in a Los Angeles valley old man baseball league… but it turns out I was wrong.
First I get shot off – an apparent “accident” while cleaning a gun. How I would like to believe that, but I have my suspicions about the rest of the fingers. They were always jealous of me. That was shocking enough, but then I was hastily sewn back on, like grafting a branch on a fruit tree. Abomination. I could’ve told them this wouldn’t work, but I can’t talk and the jerks who invented sign language never thought to make a one-finger version….except, of course, the universal one-finger sign, and I tried vehemently showing them this, but my plea was ignored. Well look what happens when you play God…and then go play poker! Jose thought he had a strong hand, but it was only as strong as its weakest link, if I may mix metaphors (sue me, I’ll give you the same sign I gave those quacks), and without realizing it he bumped the raise with me, and was literally left with a bump at the knuckle. That’s called sweetening, and souring, the pot. He could’ve gone all in, but then what would he hold his cards with?
Ok well I might as well tell you .I was playing in a poker tournament last night and my finger fell off .someone took a video of it.
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) November 14, 2014
My finger should have been amputated from the beginning. It was very loose with no bone to connect it.it was also smelling really bad.
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) November 14, 2014
Jose’s forearm may have had its special “bash” with Mark McGwire back in the good old days, but I had my own kind of bash with Madonna back then as well, know what I’m sayin’? Hey-ooh, gimme a little finger bump! Leave me hanging? Just cause I’m a little smelly, is that it? NOT COOL. It’s called necrosis…yes, I’m a zombie digit. I’m going to crawl across the countryside, inch worming my way, forever haunting Jose now like Michael Caine’s hand in that movie, I forget what it’s called. I could be slithering through your back yard right now.
Oh, what I would give to wrap around a smooth wooden bat handle again, the cool metal of a dumbell, even the plastic plunger of a syringe. I would love to stick myself in a dyke and disappear. We live in a digital age, however, and Jose is a slave to it. The other nine fingers, my former friends, fingered me good, and now they can’t help but dance all over Jose’s Twitter account – as you saw above. Jose jokes about “finger snacks.” Nobody calls them that. Now they say there’s a video out there, which I imagine would be like sticking a finger down one’s throat. If Kim Kardashian’s butt can crash the internet, maybe Jose Canseco’s finger can give it a good scratching?
Oh, it’s not always just about me:
If Earth can control the comet transport system we will run the Milkyway. Think about that
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) November 13, 2014
A man who’ll give you the finger anytime, “Grinding Ax” Walter Hynes, tomorrow.
