DENVER, CO– Rocky Mountain Craig reporting this week, coming at you from the posh (and very white) Cherry Hills neighborhood where the women all look like Lululemon pants-and-riding boots wearing, tight pony-tailed clones of each other, and the men seem to be trying to jog off their paunches to keep up. Otherwise, seems like a very nice place…and yes, I have gone into the newly legalized “candy” stores here, the quality of which still seems behind L.A.’s, but perhaps I’m just working off too small a sample size to make an unbiased opinion. At any rate, I’m flying back to home sweet West Coast home later today, and since my Black Friday was spent at the local AMF bowling center, I only have a short time today to check out the Cyber-Monday Deals (last time I checked, Meet The Matts was still on the Internet, thus Cyber!). We’ll start with a local deal first:
Connor Barth! Sold! The Broncos have at times seemed like a human fantasy team this year: They’re big on garbage time stats, and they stream kickers. They’ve gone through two already, but picking up Connor Barth off the waiver wire Tuesday paid off big time when he accounted for 17 of their 29 points last night. They were basically all chip shots, but I still like him because his name reminds me of John Candy’s character in Space Balls, Barfolomew.
St. Louis Rams Political Statements! Seems a quartet of young, rich, African-American men decided to have a little fun and express their take on the nearby Ferguson debacle by raising their hands in a “don’t shoot” gesture upon emerging from the tunnel before yesterday’s game against the Raiders. One (apparently disgraced) former cop seemed to take issue with what he feels is unjust racial profiling of the local law enforcement and let it be known via a media-whoring press release. The real victims of it all appear to be the hapless Oakland Raiders, who took a beating that even Rodney King would grimace at.
Jim Harbaugh! Actually, this deal is available only via trade…because what coach wouldn’t want to go to some team that just gutted their future in draft picks to get him?
Ray Rice! With his wife going on The Today Show this morning to show how nicely all the blemishes have healed, Roger Goodell is now the one taking the biggest beating in all of this. Still, better hurry up on this one, word has it that four teams are interested.
Bartolo Colon! The Mets actually find themselves with a pretty decent core of young pitchers, and so the Fat One’s role on the team is starting to look like the center of one of the donuts he seems to enjoy. Act now, and we’ll throw in Jon Niese and Dillon Gee.
Johnny Manziel! A week that started off on the rough side with one of his brahs beating up a Browns fan who deigned to get too close to Herr Football, it ends with him getting into the game and running in his first NFL score… before immediately reminding everyone that he’s a true douche again by celebrating with his team losing by 16. This deal won’t last forever, because with moves like that every defense in the league is going to put a price on his head.
Tom Coughlin! Half-off! While the Giants have lost big leads to legitimate playoff contenders like Seattle, San Fran, and Dallas this year, this one comes against one of the truly worst (thank you Oakland), and marks the seventh L in a row for Coughlin, who probably deserves better than to go out like this at season’s end.
Come back tomorrow for Dallas Cowboys fan Grinding Ax Walter Hynes, whose saddle is a tad sideways these days.
