Grote’s Gripes: Escaped Convicts Posing as Sports Pundits?

Meet_The_Matts on Fantasy Island David SweatCOLD SPRING, NYDon’t call it a comeback. Herr Short Matt asked me to come out of retirement to write a column, and looking around – I think this seems like 1990’s all over again, so why not?  Here goes.

The Clintons are set to retake the White House, unless another Bush gets to move back in.  Jeb! Jeb?

A Jurassic movie is tops at the box office.  To think the Yankees could’ve paid for all those movie going tickets instead of paying A-Rod, CC, McCann and Teixeira’s contracts for this year.  If you bet on Stephen Drew’s average being higher than the domestic gross of the opening weekend box office you would’ve gotten crushed. If Stephen Drew were a movie, he’d be Entourage. A summertime Bronx Bomb.

Also this summer, we finally have a sequel to the Shawshank Redemption with the Shawskank Relations going on in upstate New York.  The two prisoners Richard Matt and David Sweat, or Sweat Matt as we like to call them around here, certainly are making this summer season quite exciting for us upstate New Yorkers.  In fact, Sweat Matt has been petitioning to become a certified member of Meet The Matts.

Escaped Convicts Meet_The_Matts
Escaped Convicts Richard Matt and David Sweat (MTM Imposters) flank Different Matt and fan?!

Lets see if they meet the criteria:

Sport A Bald Head: Check.  At least 50% of Sweat Matt passes the follicly challenged test.

Run Around In Ridiculous Suits: Check. Their orange prison suits are a perfect compliment to The Matts blue and orange monkey suits.

Strike Fear When Showing Up UnannouncedCheck. I think all the MTM writers agree we’d rather have Sweat Matt showing up at our door unannounced ahead of Short Matt any day of the week.

Joni Mitchell
“I am Joni Mitchell! Not Joyce!”

Convince Women To Throw It All Away For ThemCheck.  Shawskank herself Joyce Mitchell has seemingly lost her mind, and her freedom, allowing herself to be seduced by Sweat Matt.  Mrs. Matt and certainly Mrs. Short Matt-to-be have made similar mistakes.  Runaway bride anyone?

Career Killer: Check.  Any Meet The Matts writer will tell you this job is a career killer.  Sweat Matt on the other hand has made a career out of killing.

Willing To Work For Free: Check.  Prison labor and writing for Meet the Matts are eerily similar.

Going over the the scorecard, it is undeniable that Sweat Matt’s application should be accepted.  The only question is when their first column will run?

Tune in tomorrow for a man  that knows a little about serving time at MTM, Grinding Ax Walter Hynes.

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About Kevin McGrory 11 Articles
Grote2DMax (aka Kevin McGrory) is another of our Bronx-raised, urban white trash writers. Having grown up with Angry Ward, Cheesy Bruin, The Public Professor, JG Clancy (Mattville's Otis of Mayberry) and Tall Matt. What's really odd about him, however, is that he and Tall Matt both liked the NFL Rams and MLB Mets?! Bouncing twin boys, Matt & Matt, have forced him to hang up his keyboard to keep his lovely bride from socking him - and us - in the nose... but he still tosses a gem every now and then and can be seen on Twitter - @Grote2DMax. We're luck to have him.