WEST PALM BEACH, FL – It was cooling off a tad too much for my liking in NYC, so I decided to head south for one last summer schvitz. But the minute I get outta Dodge, they blow up my former high school, the market goes in the crapper, and the Mets offense starts swallowing steroids like Dewey Oxburger once swallowed his aggression and pizza pies. Can’t you people mind the store for one lousy minute?
The Walking Dead. Add Green Bay Packers star wideout Jordy Nelson to the growing list of NFL players whose 2015 seasons have ended before they ever got started. It’s not like this ever needs to be restated but, the NFL is a remorseless meat grinder. It’s getting tougher and tougher to follow it without looking like some bloodthirsty ghoul. Watching Hall of Fame inductions these days is like looking at hospital scene outtakes from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. You may love football, but football doesn’t really give two craps about you, and it cares even less for those that play the game.
Ashley Madison. Sadly, it seems that even Meet The Matts has not entirely avoided the Ashley Madison scandal. Several prominent names on this site found their e-mails turn up on the hacked roster of AM “customers.” Next time we hope that Randy Levine (hottubtimelevine@yahoo), Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson (BorisDaPerfectJohnson@gmail), and You Suck (usuckbutthatsagoodthingsometimes@aol) all come up with less obvious covers next time. Like everyone else, I thank God that shortmattbigbat@outlook didn’t appear on the list… yet. We must hold ourselves to higher standards than ESPN, people!
Husbands of Snooki and ‘Real Housewives of New… by EntertainmentTonight
Everybody Loves the Mets. Every 20 years or so everyone stops treating the New York Mets like lepers and starts acting like the lovable losers from Queens are The Bachelorette and those denizens of the tri-state area are all finalists to wed this ugly-duckling-turned-swan. And, you know what, most of these Johnny-Milner-Come-Latelys can just eff off. Look, I admit that there are far bigger Mets fans than me such as Grote2DMax and my brother Chris, but I come off looking like I was on board from the inaugural season compared to some of these blue and orange clad waterbugs that have emerged from the cracks in these last dog days of summer. Go back from where you came! Let the rest of us celebrate just as we were allowed to suffer, in peace.
Finally, even though some guy tried to blow up my high school by checking for gas with a lighted match (cue Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out”) and investors did likewise with the stock market, I am glad to still be writing for this wacky little site. I’ve seen people write posts through childbirth and tragedy and witnessed countless others visit this place and post a funny comment rather than do their paying jobs for a minute or two. It’s been a grind sometimes but most of all it’s been kinda fun. And, yes, I’m drunk.
Comeback tomorrow for one of the the few people in the world that has never appeared on Law & Order.