Angry Ward Thursday: 5 Reasons Why the Mets Must Win Tonight

New York, NY – Am I worried that Jacob deGrom is due for a stinker? Nah… even though he is. Am I at all concerned that Zack Greinke is every bit as good as Clayton Kershaw who just toyed with the Mets two nights ago? Why would I be? They’re two different pitchers. One looks like Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer and the other like Mark Langston after a solid month of Scientology auditing. Am I even slightly troubled by the fact that I am talking to myself so much? Not at all. Why do you ask? Hey, you asked me? I did not! Look, we’re going to have to agree to disagree, even though you’re wrong, Ward.

Here’s why the Mets have to win tonight in LA.

Chicago Needs New York. Right now Cubs fans are creaming all over their deep dish pizza at the thought of the Mets being the only thing between the Cubbies and the World Series. And why wouldn’t they be? The Cubs were 7-0 against the Mets this year. In short, they owned them. But, more importantly, Chicago needs play New York to help exorcise their “Second City” demons. Chi town is sick and tired of playing second fiddle to the Big Apple. Right now, the only things they have to hang their collective hats on are Al Capone, a great big fire, and The Blues Brothers. Yep, Chicago needs this almost as much as the Mets.

Bart Man. No, not Steve Bartman. I’m talking Bartolo Colon! Baseball is in no way ready to say goodbye to the one and only Bartolo Colon until 2016. He’s got so much more to give. Tons more. I mean, you’ve seen him, right? Nope, the Mets’ season must go on if only to give us more Bartolo Colon. The hair, the chins, the jogging, the at-bats, the defense, the man is pure baseball entertainment.

Cal Ripken Wants the Dodgers. I can’t prove this, but Ripken has just been awful on these broadcasts and you can’t want anything that he wants. What the hell is he doing in the booth? He’s awful. There’s no way his broadcasting streak reaches 2,632. If it even comes close I’ll be rooting hard for a nuclear holocaust.

Keep Short Matt in Ireland. As long as the Mets remain in the playoffs, our boss here cannot return to American soil. Trust me on this. I have friends in customs both here and abroad. He’s not allowed back. The Mets must keep this going. What’s there to return to anyway? Isn’t it a safe bet that Federal Marshalls have already emptied his apartment/MtM studios? In way, the Mets are doing him a service. You’re welcome.

I Don’t Need no Stinkin’ 5th Reason. They just gotta win! A Mets/Cubs NLCS will just be too good. It’s gotta happen. God wants it, and so do I. That should really be enough.

Come back tomorrow for… Me? God, I hope it’s not me. But it could be.

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About Angry Ward 726 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.