Akron, OH – If you stopped by to see me admit some hard truths about the Yankees, well, I’m sorry to disappoint. I’m not ready. Instead, I am riveted by the clown in the white house, who spent another Friday night mean girl Tweeting. LeBron James was on the business end this time, as the Stable Genius called him “dumb.” If you think “unpresidented” is a word, you probably shouldn’t be insulting anyone’s intelligence.
As you may have heard, LeBron’s Foundation and Akron Public Schools just opened a school for at-risk youngsters with a ton of sweet perks.
Trump once opened a school himself – the infamous Trump University. Well, until they had to start calling it “Trump Entrepreneur Initiative” since it was illegal to call it a university. But they didn’t tell you that they, not the students, were the entrepreneurs, and the initiative was stealing students’ cash.
Trump paid out $25 million to settle the complaint against the defunct school, after saying he wouldn’t settle. The settlement occurred just days before he was set to take office and the tone of his presidency was set.
Anyway, let’s compare the schools.
LeBron High: Free tuition.
Trump U: The first class was free, but according to the Attorney General’s complaint, from there the instructors “engaged in a methodical, systematic series of misrepresentations” designed to get
suckers students to sign up for a three day seminar of Trump’s personal techniques for about $1,500.
Trump’s college was basically the “free” vacation you get when someone tries to sell you a timeshare. People who attended the seminar were pushed to purchase additional “mentorship” programs which cost up to $35,000. The top “Elite” program even taught you how to pay off porn stars… I assume.
LeBron High: Free breakfast, lunch, and snacks plus access to a food pantry for their family.
Trump U: Students were encouraged to have their pictures taken with a life-sized photo of Trump himself. Sign me up! I don’t know what these people are bitching about, that alone is worth at least 15 hundo.
LeBron High: Guaranteed tuition for all graduates to the University of Akron.
Trump U: Guaranteed admission to the poor house. According to university playbooks, salesmen used psychological tricks to encourage customers to max out their credit cards to buy mentorships.
If you buy the Elite package right now:
- Trump will feature you in a nonsensical late night Tweet using a made up word
- You will receive a tube of his special tanning lotion (shade: Oompa Loompa)
- He will leave a “you’re fired” message on your voicemail.
LeBron High: Free transportation within two miles and a free bike and helmet.
Trump U: Students were forced to give Trump U good ratings. Students were not told they could leave out their names on the rating surveys and were made to exchange the surveys for their graduation certificates (aka, a “diploma” at an actual college). Apparently students really wanted the certificates to put next to their life-sized picture of The Don. And who wouldn’t? They said “Profit from Real Estate Certificate of Accomplishment.”
LeBron High: Parents of students will receive access to job placement services and help acquiring their GEDs.
Trump U: Students were advised to use illegal real estate tactics. Said a Trump University Professor:
I would get phone calls from students saying well I was taught this at this live event… I was like well you can’t do that. That’s illegal in your state.
One of the tactics advised by Trump U was to target distressed, desperate sellers. This is the same tactic Trump used in targeting Melania.
Incidentally, Trump doesn’t even realize he accidentally praised Don Lemon. If making LeBron look smart isn’t easy, Don pulled off a difficult task, right? I guess Don L is not so dumb…
I know, it’s a tough call. One school gives you free food, a free college education, and job assistance for your parents. The other takes your nest egg for advice amounting to to “buy low, sell high.” Fred Wilpon said he would give more money to Bernie Madoff before he signed up for Trump U.
Donny Bullsh!t should stick to bullying b-list celebrities and shady lawyers. He is not in the same league as King James. A lot of athletes talk the talk, but Lebron is making it happen.
Come back tomorrow for Angry Ward, a man with unpresidented writing skills. Follow us on Twitter at @BenWhit8, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.