BRONX, NY – I’m going to do my best to follow Ben Whitney’s lead and try to keep things positive this week. As Cheesy Bruin and my brother navigate their own paths to recovery, and America tries to heal both its mental and physical wounds, the last thing we need is me complaining about the baseball equivalent of herpes, the Wilpons, or why they ever took Police Squad off the air. Instead, I’ll rifle through the disorganized desk that is my brain and see what I find.
Kaepernick to the Cowboys. Since they can’t seem to agree to a deal with Dak Prescott, Jerry Jones should shock everyone and make Colin Kaepernick the Cowboys’ starting QB. I mean, he needed to prove he could win a SB without Jimmy Johnson (which he really didn’t) but this would take things to another universe. No one would see this coming, Jerry! Do, it! Pull out those six-shooters, point ’em skyward and holler “Yee haw! How ’bout them Kaepernick Cowboys!” Then enjoy retirement at the nervous hospital your son picks out for you.
Baseball Reruns! I know that cancelling the baseball season isn’t exactly a popular idea around here, but the players and owners are cocking it up, like they always do. I say cancel the season and replace it with televised games from the mid-to-late-70s – early-80s. And not just the big playoff games. I want random regular season tilts between the Indians and the Mariners. I want Jerry Reuss in his Pirates Pillbox hat. I want J.R. Richard scaring the crap out of hitters. I want the Sixto Lezcano, Ben Oglivie, Don Money Milwaukee Brewers. I want Dave Kingman moon shots and Cliff Johnson swings and misses that landed him on his ass. I want a sh!t ton of stolen bases, Lenny Randle blowing the ball foul, and Mickey Rivers strolling up to the plate like an old man only to leg out a stand-up triple. I want Kiner’s Korner! I’d be fine missing this season if I could watch all of those things. No, really, I would.
Best Wrestling Match Ever. Since grappling occasionally comes up on this site, I think it’s time we set the record straight about what the greatest wrestling match of all time was. You can hit me with all sorts of names like Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant and Bruno Sammartino and then rattle off your fondest Wrestlemania memories, but the best match, hands down, was The Crusher vs. The Masked Terror (aka Bugs Bunny). Any match that features a safe, a sewing needle, and a stick of dynamite cannot be topped. Before Bo knew sports, Bugs dominated sports.
OK, that’s about all the bandwidth I’ve got for today. Feel free to chime in with whatever’s on your mind, and come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, whose favorite cartoon character is Caillou.
