Angry Ward: John Mara Tossing and Turning, Jerry Jones Firing and Hiring, and America Runs on Whoppers, Wagering, and Wegovy

Angry Ward, Harrison Butker, Zach Galifianakis, Kenneth Gainwell, Chiefs, NFL, Meet-The-Matts, Ward Calhoun, #GoogleAlerts

NEW YORK, NY – Oh baby, I hope everyone’s enjoying that magical time of year that falls between the NFL Conference Championship games and the Super Bowl. I know I am! And the best is yet come. This coming Sunday is February 2nd, ushering in the most depressing month of the year on one of the most depressing days of the week, especially when there’s not a shred of football to be found. It’s a good day to schedule a medically-induced coma, if you’ve got those kinda sweet connections. And after Sunday, we’ve got a week’s worth of worthless factoids on every single person that’s even remotely associated with the upcoming “Big Game.” Did you know Kenneth Gainwell’s Great Uncle was in The Commodores? Let’s just hope some intrepid reporter asks Harrison Butker a lot of awkward Zach Galifianakis “Between Two Ferns” type questions. OK, I got a few things to talk about. Let’s do this.

John Mara May Never Sleep Again. Alert the fine folks at Guinness World Records because, the way Saquon Barkley’s been going, New York Giants owner John Mara may be looking at a lifetime of insomnia. Back when his brain-trust decided to let Barkley walk, Mara famously said on Hard Knocks: “I’m going to have a tough time sleeping if Saquon goes to Philadelphia.” Even then, never in his wildest, most f**ed-up nightmares, could Mara imagine what has come to pass. Saquon should have an S on his chest, because his play this year, and in the playoffs, has been superhuman. If they didn’t award MVP until after the postseason I’d say he’d be a lock at this point. If Philly doesn’t put the ball in his hands at least 25 times in two weeks, everyone should be fired.

Cowboys Hire Brian Schottenheimer. By all means, go ahead and laugh. In the annals of uninspiring coaching hires, this one ranks way up there. I mean, everyone knew that there was no way Jerry Jones was going to let a guy like Deion Sanders steal the spotlight from him but, Brian Schottenheimer? That’s like hiring human oatmeal. But maybe that’s how good ol’ Jerry likes it. He’s only continuing a rich 65-year tradition of nothing but white head coaches for the Dallas Cowboys. Are there other NFL teams with similar and in some cases longer traditions (*cough* Giants *cough*)? There sure are. But let’s not take it too easy on Jerry. If he’s the same “curious kid” who just wanted to check out what was going on when a bunch of black students tried to attend North Little Rock High School in 1957, you’d think he’d be curious enough to hire a black HC after almost three decades of white guy failure. Anyway, Cowboys fans, enjoy!

Ads for Today’s America. Finally, I want to sign off by mentioning that I couldn’t help but notice that the barrage of TV advertisements we were treated to this past Conference Championship weekend were pretty much focused on three things: eating, betting, and medicating. And I mean, almost all of the commercials fell into one of those three categories. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, as you can pretty much do all three simultaneously now. Strangely enough—judging from the fast food eatery spots and horrific pharmaceutical side effects listed—betting might be the healthiest of the trio. These are truly magical times.

Speaking of magic, time for me to disappear. Buddy Diaz, who has barely said a thing about his Eagles this year, is up next in the order. Will he finally break his silence? Come back tomorrow and find out.

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About Angry Ward 784 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.