WASHINGTON, DC – President Trump has hit the ground running in implementing his aggressive new agenda. Well, the 45th and 47th president has not excluded the sports world. A Meet The Matts Exclusive has revealed a list of Trump’s Sports-Related Initiatives T.S.R.I.) Let’s have a look.
Greenland Football
After the annexation of Greenland, Trump plans to move an NFL team there. Sources say the President said, “Probably the one that Taylor Swift roots for. Her music will fit right in with those wailing seals.”
The President is said to favor changing the team’s name to the Greenland Goats, after himself, the greatest president of all time.
The President is said to be less than infatuated with the name of the capital city, Nuuk. “Nuuking terrible” quoted the source. Trump is considering “Donland” or “Trumpville” as replacements.
You think the “Frozen Tundra” of Green Bay is tough, wait until you see the Greenland Ice Sheet. The plan is to build a stadium and serve Suassat Soup, made of seal, whale, reindeer, and sea birds, as well as Harp Seal Burgers. Yum!
Name Changes
The next item is the San Diego Padres, whose name will be changed to the San Diego Barons. The President will name the team after his son, who is very tall. The President reiterated several times that his youngest son is very tall. The word “padre” is not an English word, and the President decided that team names in other languages is unacceptable. He warned that they would be taking a hard look at the “Canucks” next.
The Toronto Blue Jays will be renamed the Toronto Jays. “Blue is a horrible color,” said the President. “No team should be saddled with it, even one from Canada. “
Relocations
The Cincinnati Reds will be moving to Washington DC. Sources say the color reminds the President of the beautiful red wave that washed over the country in November. The President quipped, “If I am forced to live in this terrible city, at least I will have a baseball team that reminds me of my decisive victory.” When asked where the Nationals would play, the President replied simply, “You’re fired.”
The city of Philadelphia will become part of New Jersey. The President is proud of his lakeside win in Pennsylvania, but remains angry with the “losers” in Philadelphia. As a reward to the good people of the state, he has decided to redraw the borders so Philadelphia is part of New Jersey. “Everybody says New Jersey is a terrible place and that’s where Philadelphia belongs,” said Trump. The basketball team will be called the Philadelphia Armpits. The baseball team will now be called the Philadelphia Crooked Phillaries. Don Jr has been tasked with renaming the Flyers and Eagles.
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