NEW YORK, NY – It’s April 2nd and I’m still a tad bummed that I didn’t get the coveted April Fools’ column slot this year. Oh well, no one is ever gonna come close to George Plimpton’s amazing Sidd Finch article in Sports Illustrated anyway. It’s insane to think that it’s been 40 years since that brilliant piece of BS was published. God, I’m old. There are things currently happening in sports, which is good, although I don’t find much of it all that compelling. Hockey? I really haven’t been following. NCAA Final Four? Nah. Masters Golf? That’s next week and better suited for one of those Sternberg kids. So I guess I’m left with an NBA regular season hobbling to the finish line, a brand new MLB season that has yet to find its legs, and—God help me—never-ending NFL chatter. Let’s put on our waders and nose plugs and venture in, shall we?
Western Showdown? For those of you who haven’t really been paying attention (and I don’t blame you) there are only 4 games currently separating the NBA Western Conference’s third best team from its eighth best. And if you include Houston (second best in the conference) it’s only 5.5. That’s a pretty tight race for playoff positioning and staying out of the play-in, with only like 7 or so games left. And the NBA really wants you to care… but you shouldn’t. Barring a horrific string of unfortunate events, Oklahoma City is going to represent the West in the NBA Championship. All you Knicks fans out there? (I can hear you mouth-breathing.) You shouldn’t be getting all worked up either. It ain’t happening. It’s either the Cavs or Celts representing the East. Better luck next year.
The Annoying Yankees and Their Stupid Torpedo Bats. They’ve only played four games and I’ve already had a bellyful of the New York Yankees and their space-age dildo bats. That’s really all I have to say. I promised Monday I would take up the cudgel for lazy Yankees bashing. This is about as lazy as it gets, so, mission accomplished.
My Lousy Mariners. The sample size is minuscule, but that baseball team out in the Pacific Northwest that I root for has already dropped two home games to the team formerly known as JG Clancy’s Lousy A’s and now known as the SadSac A’s, as they now play at a Little League stadium in Sacramento that’s still tougher to hit a home run in than Billy Crystal’s Whore Emporium™ in the Bronx. They also lost at home to the Tigers on Monday. Not exactly the fast start I was hoping for.
The Mets. Following up on a story I mentioned here last week about the Mets now employing a bunch of new racing mascots for in-between inning hijinks, shouldn’t they have at least considered including Grimace? I mean, next to Lindor, he was the face of the franchise (and the french fries) last year.
The NFL. It’s not often that I get all worked up about the National Football League draft, but… PLEASE, PLEASE just let it happen already!!! I cannot take another day of speculation about where a certain out-of-work QB and full-time a$$hole might end up playing. Same goes for the so-called Tush Push story. Keep it. Ban it. Just stop talking about it already! Finally, enough with the mock drafts. There aren’t enough compelling players in this class to even get past pick #7 without dozing off. I’m not saying there won’t be great players that come out of it, just try to stop making more interesting than it is.
I’m out. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who will make a strong case for why torpedo bats should be referred to as “hero bats” in and around the New York Metropolitan area.
