THE MANNY in "BASE ON BALLS!"

(“The Manny” is an occasionally recurring piece, please see the Archives for previous installments).

by West Coast Craig

LOS ANGELES, CA –

Boston was a very fun place
But then it turned into a disgrace
Fed up fans of Yawkey Way
They sent him packing to L.A.

In Joe’s care the Manny came
Nannying Andrea became the game
He drives a minivan and wears a fannypack
The Torres are glad to have their Manny back

Red Sox Nation could hardly bare
To see the Manny on a tear
What you hold dear he’ll surely mock
Said the fans of Puritan stock
The Dodger fans they liked to cheer:
That could never happen here!

Manny Manny he’s the pro…
Manny Manny, Dios Mio!

The Manny was taped before a live stadium audience.

DAY. TORRE KITCHEN

Manny sits contrite. Joe does not look happy.

JOE
Well, the good news is there’s nothing in
the union rules that says you’re suspended
from being our nanny.

Manny lets out a sigh of relief.

JOE
A lot of parents out there right now
are having to explain to their kids why
you’re out fifty games. Fortunately, I’m
not going to be one of them…I have a nanny.
You’re going to explain to her…yourself…
not from one of Scott’s flunky’s prepared
statements.

MANNY
I’m telling you, Joe, it was personal…had to
do with my boys, if you know what I mean.

JOE
It was a female fertility drug, Manny. It’s a wonder
you’re still called Man Ram and not Man Can.

CUT TO:

EXT. BACON WRAPPED HOT DOG CART

Manny and Andrea are stopped at a bacon wrapped hot dog stand, both getting dogs with the works.

MANNY
Do you think Mr. Joe is going to be
mad for awhile?

ANDREA
Well, yeah, but he’ll get over it. You’re
only gone for 50 games, lotta baseball
left after that. I still don’t understand
why you’re in trouble.

MANNY
Well, I had this personal problem, you
see…and I saw my Doctor…

ANDREA
Dr. Harpo.

MANNY
Yeah, Dr. Harpo…how’d you know?

ANDREA
Because you brought him along. He’s
standing right over there.

Indeed, DR. HARPO is standing nearby. He wears an oversized reflective metal disc over the eye, a big bow tie, and an extra-large lab coat with his name embroidered. From beneath the lab coat he pulls out a big bike horn. Honk-honk.

MANNY AND ANDREA
Hi, Dr. Harpo!

Honk honk.

ANDREA
You can tell me what it was. I
won’t say anything.

MANNY
Well, it had to do with…awwww,
I can’t tell you, you’re too little.

ANDREA
I read it was a female fertility drug.
Did you want to have a baby?…because,
if you did, that’d be kind of weird even
for you.

MANNY
No, it had to do with my testosterone…
it’s personal, it’s hard to talk about
it. If it wasn’t for Dr. Harpo’s big mouth
here, we wouldn’t be talking about it at all.

Dr. Harpo starts honking at him indignantly.

MANNY
Well, it’s true! I don’t know why I listen to
you sometimes.

Dr. Harpo turns to Andrea and starts honking his case to her. She doesn’t know what he’s saying, but Manny doesn’t like it.

ANDREA
So it has to do with your testicles?

MANNY
(angrily, to Harpo)
Hey, you took a Hippopatimic oath, you
can’t tell her anything!

Honk honk

MANNY
I know, I know. Okay, I’m sorry. It’s
not your fault. I have to take responsibility.

The BWHD Guy finishes frying up their dogs, loading them with everything and handing them over.

MANNY
Can I just enjoy this?

ANDREA
I don’t know Manny, there’s probably
all sorts of substances in that hot dog,
you may set off some red flags.

MANNY
You know, you may be right. Let me ask
Dr. Harpo. Hey Doc, what’d’ya think?

Dr. Harpo, his feelings still hurt, gives it two quick honks.

MANNY
You heard him, no problem!

Manny starts downing the deliciousness as they walk to their Honda Odyssey and get inside.

BWHD CART GUY
Hey Manny, what’s up with your balls?

MANNY
Huh?! What? What do you mean…

The BWHD Guy points to a pair of TruckNutz hanging from the back of the minivan.

MANNY
Oh, yeah…They’re fine. See, I just had
them polished.

Ting…the left one sparkles for us.

CUT TO:

SEPULVEDA BATTING CAGES

The Magic Castle with an arcade, three mini-golf courses, and batting cages. Manny is in the cage, smashing away. Andrea watches outside, wearing a helmet and waiting her turn. FRED WILLARD steps up next to her. They watch Manny for a minute.

FRED WILLARD
Say Manny…I think your balls are a little low.

MANNY
Hey! That’s a personal…

Then he notices, the machine is pitching its dimpled balls off of the painted home plate.

MANNY
You know, I think you’re right.

FRED WILLARD
(to the attendant)
HEY, SOMEBODY FIX THIS THING! HIS BALLS ARE LOW!

Cut to:

MINI GOLF COURSE.

Andrea lines up a shot…and sinks a putt.

ANDREA
That’s a two. Birdie!

As Manny looks at all the angles of his next shot, a little kid waiting for them to finish grows impatient.

LITTLE KID
You have the blue ball.

MANNY
Yes! I know already…oh…

He sees that he’s indeed using a blue ball.

MANNY
Oh yeah, thanks kid!

He sets up over the blue ball and sinks the putt.

CUT TO:

EXT. DRIVING THROUGH SANTA MONICA

As Manny and Andrea are driving, stopped at a light. A peppy, bouncy song comes on the radio, let’s say Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves, that Manny bobs his head to.

MANNY
This song is crazy, Andrea.

ANDREA
I know this song….

Meanwhile, outside, a MASSHOLE in a Red Sox hat notices him and gets all wide eyed.

MASSHOLE
Youuuuu!

He marches up to the window, waving a finger

MASSHOLE
I had one thing in my whole stinkin’ life
that was pure…that ’04 team, and now
you’ve gone and tainted it! I know, I know, I
should be giddy that you’re not our problem
any more…I should be gloating from the rooftops:
HEY L.A., WE TOLD YOU SO!

Inside the SUV, Manny continues to bob his head, almost like he’s agreeing with him.

MANNY AND ANDREA
I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINNNNNNE, YEAAAAAHHHHH!!

Outside the man keeps going.

MASSHOLE
…But no, it is a hollow victory. If you’re a cheat now
you were a cheat then, and all of that, the comeback, the
bloody sock, your World Series MVP…it’s been soured.
First the Patriots are caught spying, were they spying
during their Superbowl wins? They haven’t won one
since. And now Papi hasn’t gone yard yet all season and
it’s almost June and now my mind goes there…yes, now
my mind goes there! And it’s all because of YOU!
A Taint! A Taint!

INSIDE THE MINIVAN

The song ends, and Manny and Andrea notice the guy standing there talking on the other side of the window. Manny rolls it down for him.

MANNY
Can I help you?

MASSHOLE
Taint! Taint!

ANDREA
What’s “taint” mean?

MANNY
It’s that part of…wait, no way little
girl, anatomy is not part of the job description.
(back to Masshole)
Hey dude, there’s a little girl in here!

MASSHOLE
Your taint!

Manny leans out a little, glances around, then low so Andrea can’t hear…

MANNY
Not that it’s any of your business, but
my taint’s fine. Thanks for asking!

Manny puts the car in drive and pulls out, leaving the Masshole staring dumbfounded.

CUT TO:

INT. TORRE KITCHEN. THAT NIGHT.

Andrea is doing her homework at the kitchen table. Manny is trying to play a video game…but not getting very far.

MANNY
Where’s your laptop, I’ve got to look
up the cheat codes.

JOE enters. By the looks of things, it’s been another tough game at Chavez Ravine.

ANDREA
Hi, daddy…I’m sorry, you’ll get ‘em
tomorrow.

MANNY
Yeah, Coach.

Joe just looks at Manny, like “thanks for nothing, buddy.”

JOE
So, Andrea, you have a good day with
Manny? He tell you why he’s going
to be spending more time with you this summer?

ANDREA
Well, not really…though I think there’s
something wrong with his balls, like, he
doesn’t have any.

Manny wants to protest, but a look from Joe sets him down.

JOE
You know, Andrea, I think you’re right.

MANNY
(putting his head in his hands)
Oh dios mio.

quick exit music sting, bwop bwooop!

THE END.