(“The Manny” is an occasionally recurring piece, please see the Archives for previous installments).
by West Coast Craig
LOS ANGELES, CA –
Boston was a very fun place
But then it turned into a disgrace
Fed up fans of Yawkey Way
They sent him packing to L.A.
In Joeâ€™s care the Manny came
Nannying Andrea became the game
He drives a minivan and wears a fannypack
The Torres are glad to have their Manny back
Red Sox Nation could hardly bare
To see the Manny on a tear
What you hold dear heâ€™ll surely mock
Said the fans of Puritan stock
The Dodger fans they liked to cheer:
That could never happen here!
Manny Manny heâ€™s the proâ€¦
Manny Manny, Dios Mio!
The Manny was taped before a live stadium audience.
DAY. TORRE KITCHEN
Manny sits contrite. Joe does not look happy.
Well, the good news is thereâ€™s nothing in
the union rules that says youâ€™re suspended
from being our nanny.
Manny lets out a sigh of relief.
A lot of parents out there right now
are having to explain to their kids why
youâ€™re out fifty games. Fortunately, Iâ€™m
not going to be one of themâ€¦I have a nanny.
Youâ€™re going to explain to herâ€¦yourselfâ€¦
not from one of Scottâ€™s flunkyâ€™s prepared
Iâ€™m telling you, Joe, it was personalâ€¦had to
do with my boys, if you know what I mean.
It was a female fertility drug, Manny. Itâ€™s a wonder
youâ€™re still called Man Ram and not Man Can.
EXT. BACON WRAPPED HOT DOG CART
Manny and Andrea are stopped at a bacon wrapped hot dog stand, both getting dogs with the works.
Do you think Mr. Joe is going to be
mad for awhile?
Well, yeah, but heâ€™ll get over it. Youâ€™re
only gone for 50 games, lotta baseball
left after that. I still donâ€™t understand
why youâ€™re in trouble.
Well, I had this personal problem, you
seeâ€¦and I saw my Doctorâ€¦
Yeah, Dr. Harpoâ€¦howâ€™d you know?
Because you brought him along. Heâ€™s
standing right over there.
Indeed, DR. HARPO is standing nearby. He wears an oversized reflective metal disc over the eye, a big bow tie, and an extra-large lab coat with his name embroidered. From beneath the lab coat he pulls out a big bike horn. Honk-honk.
MANNY AND ANDREA
Hi, Dr. Harpo!
You can tell me what it was. I
wonâ€™t say anything.
Well, it had to do withâ€¦awwww,
I canâ€™t tell you, youâ€™re too little.
I read it was a female fertility drug.
Did you want to have a baby?â€¦because,
if you did, thatâ€™d be kind of weird even
No, it had to do with my testosteroneâ€¦
itâ€™s personal, itâ€™s hard to talk about
it. If it wasnâ€™t for Dr. Harpo’s big mouth
here, we wouldnâ€™t be talking about it at all.
Dr. Harpo starts honking at him indignantly.
Well, itâ€™s true! I donâ€™t know why I listen to
Dr. Harpo turns to Andrea and starts honking his case to her. She doesnâ€™t know what heâ€™s saying, but Manny doesnâ€™t like it.
So it has to do with your testicles?
(angrily, to Harpo)
Hey, you took a Hippopatimic oath, you
canâ€™t tell her anything!
I know, I know. Okay, Iâ€™m sorry. Itâ€™s
not your fault. I have to take responsibility.
The BWHD Guy finishes frying up their dogs, loading them with everything and handing them over.
Can I just enjoy this?
I donâ€™t know Manny, thereâ€™s probably
all sorts of substances in that hot dog,
you may set off some red flags.
You know, you may be right. Let me ask
Dr. Harpo. Hey Doc, whatâ€™dâ€™ya think?
Dr. Harpo, his feelings still hurt, gives it two quick honks.
You heard him, no problem!
Manny starts downing the deliciousness as they walk to their Honda Odyssey and get inside.
BWHD CART GUY
Hey Manny, whatâ€™s up with your balls?
Huh?! What? What do you meanâ€¦
The BWHD Guy points to a pair of TruckNutz hanging from the back of the minivan.
Oh, yeahâ€¦Theyâ€™re fine. See, I just had
Tingâ€¦the left one sparkles for us.
The Magic Castle with an arcade, three mini-golf courses, and batting cages. Manny is in the cage, smashing away. Andrea watches outside, wearing a helmet and waiting her turn. FRED WILLARD steps up next to her. They watch Manny for a minute.
Say Mannyâ€¦I think your balls are a little low.
Hey! Thatâ€™s a personalâ€¦
Then he notices, the machine is pitching its dimpled balls off of the painted home plate.
You know, I think youâ€™re right.
(to the attendant)
HEY, SOMEBODY FIX THIS THING! HIS BALLS ARE LOW!
MINI GOLF COURSE.
Andrea lines up a shotâ€¦and sinks a putt.
Thatâ€™s a two. Birdie!
As Manny looks at all the angles of his next shot, a little kid waiting for them to finish grows impatient.
You have the blue ball.
Yes! I know alreadyâ€¦ohâ€¦
He sees that heâ€™s indeed using a blue ball.
Oh yeah, thanks kid!
He sets up over the blue ball and sinks the putt.
EXT. DRIVING THROUGH SANTA MONICA
As Manny and Andrea are driving, stopped at a light. A peppy, bouncy song comes on the radio, letâ€™s say Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves, that Manny bobs his head to.
This song is crazy, Andrea.
I know this songâ€¦.
Meanwhile, outside, a MASSHOLE in a Red Sox hat notices him and gets all wide eyed.
He marches up to the window, waving a finger
I had one thing in my whole stinkinâ€™ life
that was pureâ€¦that â€™04 team, and now
youâ€™ve gone and tainted it! I know, I know, I
should be giddy that youâ€™re not our problem
any moreâ€¦I should be gloating from the rooftops:
HEY L.A., WE TOLD YOU SO!
Inside the SUV, Manny continues to bob his head, almost like heâ€™s agreeing with him.
MANNY AND ANDREA
Iâ€™M WALKING ON SUNSHINNNNNNE, YEAAAAAHHHHH!!
Outside the man keeps going.
â€¦But no, it is a hollow victory. If youâ€™re a cheat now
you were a cheat then, and all of that, the comeback, the
bloody sock, your World Series MVPâ€¦itâ€™s been soured.
First the Patriots are caught spying, were they spying
during their Superbowl wins? They havenâ€™t won one
since. And now Papi hasnâ€™t gone yard yet all season and
itâ€™s almost June and now my mind goes thereâ€¦yes, now
my mind goes there! And itâ€™s all because of YOU!
A Taint! A Taint!
INSIDE THE MINIVAN
The song ends, and Manny and Andrea notice the guy standing there talking on the other side of the window. Manny rolls it down for him.
Can I help you?
Whatâ€™s â€œtaintâ€ mean?
Itâ€™s that part ofâ€¦wait, no way little
girl, anatomy is not part of the job description.
(back to Masshole)
Hey dude, thereâ€™s a little girl in here!
Manny leans out a little, glances around, then low so Andrea canâ€™t hearâ€¦
Not that itâ€™s any of your business, but
my taintâ€™s fine. Thanks for asking!
Manny puts the car in drive and pulls out, leaving the Masshole staring dumbfounded.
INT. TORRE KITCHEN. THAT NIGHT.
Andrea is doing her homework at the kitchen table. Manny is trying to play a video gameâ€¦but not getting very far.
Whereâ€™s your laptop, Iâ€™ve got to look
up the cheat codes.
JOE enters. By the looks of things, itâ€™s been another tough game at Chavez Ravine.
Hi, daddyâ€¦Iâ€™m sorry, youâ€™ll get â€˜em
Joe just looks at Manny, like â€œthanks for nothing, buddy.â€
So, Andrea, you have a good day with
Manny? He tell you why heâ€™s going
to be spending more time with you this summer?
Well, not reallyâ€¦though I think thereâ€™s
something wrong with his balls, like, he
doesnâ€™t have any.
Manny wants to protest, but a look from Joe sets him down.
You know, Andrea, I think youâ€™re right.
(putting his head in his hands)
Oh dios mio.
quick exit music sting, bwop bwooop!