KANGAROO KOURT, NY – We watched in horror, over and over, the insidious, implausible and still-nauseating miscue of one Luis Castillo – reffered to as lower c by many here because his play doesn’t warrant a full name or capital letters. Why subject ourselves to such vile torture? Because we were desperately seeking some kind of positive, some kind of Pyrrhic victory in this loss like no other loss for the New York Metropolitans. That’s when we heard the late breaking news that many of you are still likely unaware of:
LUIS CASTILLO, AKA LOU COSTELLO, BOOKED FOR POINT SHAVING
What’s more, in a shocking acknowledgment of swift justice, lower c was whisked from The Tombs (look it up) and put before The Tribunal of Sports Justice: KANGAROO KOURT. We were able to obtain the transcript from the Honorable Leonard B. Austin-Texas, who we met the last time the Mets won. Here it is:
FACELESS JUDGE 1: Despite what you claim in post-game locker rooms, you do speak English, don’t you?
lower c: Si. Uh, I meen jes. Pero, ees nos so goot. (Note slight German ending on ‘goot’…)
FACELESS JUDGE 2: And you understand the charges against you – Point Shaving, Starting At 2B, Accepting Omar Minaya’s Ridiculous Contract – don’t you?
lower c: Jes.
FACELESS JUDGE 1: Good. Let’s proceed with the lynching, um… Er, the questioning. Mr. lower c., how many hands do you have?
lower c: Dos… Two.
FACELESS JUDGE 2: Are they both equally functional? To clarify; Is there anything physically wrong with either of them?
lower c: No. Both ees bueno.
FACELESS JUDGE 1: You’re a Gold-Glove winning second baseman, correct?
lower c: Jes. Correctamente.
FACELESS JUDGE 2: Mr. lower c, how many Hall Of Fame players caught critical fly balls or pop-ups with one hand?lower c: Not too many. Yo can count dem weeth uno hand. I meen, one hand.
lower c: No. Both ees bueno.
FACELESS JUDGE 1: Growing up, did your coaches ever encourage to catch the ball with one hand?
lower c: No, Papi. I deed it on my own.
FACELESS JUDGE 2: Why didn’t you use both hands, Mr. lower c.???
lower c: Ees no as cool.
FACELESS JUDGE 1: Yes… You’ll be cool for the next month or so…
FACELESS JUDGE 2: Point-Shaving is a very serious offense. Your cell phone records indicate you’ve been in contact with one John “Hot Rod” Williams. Do you know this man?
lower c: Jes. Ee ees mi beesness partner.
FACELESS JUDGE 1: No further questions.
FACELESS JUDGE 2: No further questions.
Faceless Judge 1 and Faceless Judge 2 look at lower c. sternly. They look at each other and nod before returning their stare to lower c and simultaneously striking their respective gavels. (BANG!)
FACELESS JUDGE 1: Mr. lower c, we find you guilty of all of the above:
Point-Shaving in the First Degree
Starting At 2B in the First Degree
Accepting Omar Minaya’s Ridiculous Contract in the First Degree.
FACELESS JUDGE 2: As a result, you will be remanded to the Jet Blue terminal at JFK, where you will be flown, in a middle seat, to Buffalo/Niagra International Airport.
FACELESS JUDGE 1: From there, you will be taken to Coca-Cola Field, the home of the Triple A Buffalo Bisons. You will report for duty with the Bisons immediately upon your arrival there. A photo of your new home was taken this morning and is included below.
FACELESS JUDGE 2: You will do everything with TWO HANDS while serving out your sentence – living and playing in Buffalo. Lance Broadway and Nelson Figueroa will be Twittering/Tweeting us regularly with updates.
FACELESS JUDGE 1: Upon completing your sentence, you will take Amtrak to Albany, NY. There, you will listen to Rex O’Rourke moan about how much he misses Katz’s Deli and good NYC pizza for 36 hours.
FACELESS JUDGE 2: Having served your time with Rex O’Rourke, you will then take a bus straight to CitiField, rejoin the Metropolitans and take a place – voluntarily – on the bench until Alex Cora hurts ONE HAND sliding headfirst into second base.
FACELESS JUDGE 1: You do understand that your heinous crime, if left unpunished, would negatively impact every single kid out there simply by citing you as their reason for NOT USING TWO HANDS, don’t you??!
lower c: (sheepishly, with a shrug) Jes.
FACELESS JUDGE 2: You also understand that by imposing this sentence we at least give coaches across the globe some ammunition with which to battle the universal disdain for fundamentals that the likes of you have permeated, don’t you?
lower c: Si… Uh.. Jes.
FACELESS JUDGE 1: You, Mr. lower c… YOU… MAKE… ME… SICK!!!
FACELESS JUDGE 2: Bailiff, shuffle this scum off to Buffalo.
FACELESS JUDGE 1: Next cases: SNY CHARGED WITH GIVING WRONG BALD GUYS SHOWS… And JOE PISARCIK VS HERMAN EDWARDS…
COCA-COLA FIELD – BUFFALO, NY. JUNE 12, 2009
Rex O’Rourke tomorrow….
