NEW YORK, NY – Sunday was the last episode of 60 Minutes to include Andy Rooney’s clever postscripts. This week I found it fitting to turn the reigns over to Andy so he can continue make some of his keen observations, this time on the topic of sports. Take it away Andy.
Thank you, Grote2DMax. I used to follow sports as a young boy and to this very day it brings me back to my childhood. Though, in my day only white people were allowed to play professionally. I didn’t care for that aspect much and sports are much better now that African-American’s are allowed to join. But why do we now have to describe people by what continent their ancestors came from? I guess then I’m European-American. Pele is from Brazil, so I guess his kids are South American-American. There are a lot of Latin-Americans playing baseball now. Why do we call them Latin Americans anyway? I don’t think they speak Latin but who the hell knows, I only know they aren’t speaking English.
Now where was I? Oh yes, back in the old days I would go watch games at the Polo Grounds. Though I certainly didn’t watch any Polo matches there. Why were they called the Polo Grounds anyway? Well, I watched NY Giant baseball and football games at the Polo Grounds. Why were they called the Giants anyway? What kind of giants are they in reference to? Were they named after giant people? Are giant people better than us smaller people? I for one don’t think size matters much in baseball, maybe it does in football. And why do we call it a football? It’s not shaped like a foot, it’s shaped more like a lemon so maybe they should call it Lemonball. Speaking of lemons, I loved to enjoy a nice lemonade after playing a game of football. Now athletes don’t drink lemonade, they drink Gatorade. What is that, a drink made out of gators? Sounds disgusting if you ask me.
I’ve never seen Alex Rodriguez drinking a lemonade. Or should I just say A-Rod? Have we just become lazy with nicknames? I remember great nicknames like The Iron Horse, The Georgia Peach, The Sultan of Swat, The Brown Bomber, Ol’ Blue Eyes and The Velvet Fog. Now we have A-Rod, K-Rod, J-Lo and Jay-Z. I guess people today are so dumb they can’t string more than 4 letters together to form a cohesive word. That is obvious by the names of players today. What else can you do in society when you are named LeGarrette Blount but play football or be a train porter. Speaking of football, now they are pausing after every touchdown for an instant replay review. There is nothing instant about instant replay. I can go to the bathroom in less time than it takes for a replay review and there is nothing instant about my bowel movements these days.
Now let’s discuss Fantasy Football. In my day when men talked about their fantasy teams it involved Rita Hayworth teamed with a glass of scotch in their bedroom. If girlfriends or wives had the audacity to mention pro football players as fantasy objects they’d end up with a pair of Irish Sunglasses. I guess I’ll just never understand this new generation.
Tune in tomorrow for 60 Minutes of Anger from Angry Ward. And follow us all on Twitter!
