MADISON, WI – The Onion is the king of parody news. This week I’d like to offer up another issue of Grote’s Onions with a couple of articles that would fit right in with The Onion. I hope you enjoy.
DISTURBING DETAILS BEHIND CITI FIELD’S MAKEOVER
An investigative report unsealed today in Queens district court shows that the Mets did not purposely move the walls in at CitiField to help Jason Bay and David Wright hit more home runs. The real reason was a frantic search for the remains of Lance Broadway, missing since 2009. Teams of FBI investigators and NYPD officers shifted though entire sections of CitiField’s expansive outfield before taking their search back to Broadway’s old Soho neighborhood. When asked why the outfield walls were excavated, the FBI would only say that it was due to a person of interest in the cold case. That person of interest turns out to be Mr. Met.
Back in the summer of 2009, Broadway was acquired by the Mets while Mr. Met was relegated to living beyond the outfield wall at CitiField. “Lance was enamored with Mr. Met. ” said former roommate Shawn Green. “After every home game Lance would head over to hang out with Mr. Met” reported former teammate Angel Berroa. “He always joked he was heading over to the Mr. Met Party Zone“ claimed setup man Joe Smith. Broadway was invited to spring training with the Mets in 2010 but never showed up and hasn’t been heard from since. “The really odd thing was that in 2010 Mr. Met acted like Lance never existed” said Green. “I asked him what happened to Broadway? He replied ‘they just don’t write plays like they used to'” remembered Smith, “which I thought was really a strange thing to say not only because Lance was missing but because Book of Mormon came out that year as well.”
Mr. Met refused to speak with us about this matter.
MAGIC DECIDE TO REPLACE DWIGHT HOWARD WITH HOLOGRAM
Having realized that Dwight Howard is not backing down from his threat to sit out until coach Stan Van Gundy is fired, the Orlando Magic have found a suitable replacement for the 6′ 11″ center. For the remainder of the regular season and playoffs a hologram of Howard will be starting at center. Having recently seen the buzz that the Tupac Shakur hologram made at the Coachella Music Festival last week, Magic GM Otis Smith decided this was their best bet to win a championship.
On Friday, Dwight Howard decided to have season ending back surgery rather than play through pain for coach Van Gundy. At the press conference announcing the surgery Smith dropped the bombshell. “How are you going to replace a player like Dwight Howard? With Hologram Howard of course.” Van Gundy for one is excited. “We can utilize him all over the court. Think of how many charging calls he’ll be able to draw.” the giddy coach exclaimed. Van Gundy continued on for fifteen minutes about the positives of the move finally pointing out “He won’t wear down as the game goes on. Think how fresh Hologram Howard will be down the stretch.”
Orlando fans seem to be excited as well. Longtime ticket holder Josh Spellman spelled it out best. “We’ve been waiting years for the front office to employ the witchcraft that the Magic were named for.”
Stay tuned tomorrow for Hologram Ward.
