WRONG GUY FIRED: RANGERS ARE SEPTEMBER METS

YELLOW KNIFE, NORTHWEST TERRITORY – Tom Renney got iced as Head Coach of the New York Rangers yesterday. We flew here with him – Tom wanted to get away from it all and the flights and dog sleds were relatively cheap – and after wearing him down with a couple of Canadian Clubs chased by a LaBatts or five, we got him to admit -we think – that he was simply a scapegoat for a team of sissies. Alright, maybe that’s our take on it. Mind you, we were dressed as Canadian Mounties for this entire flight, just to keep Renney from thinking we were… Media. Anyway, Tom was, as he always was during his New York stint, nothing but classy and diplomatic. He pointed the finger at himself, while we were pointing ours in a zillion (at least 20) directions:

-Glen Sather: Hmmm. Let’s see… You let Jaromir Jagr and Brendan Shanahan leave, miss getting Mats Sundin and then what – bring back Sean Avery? The guy is sloppy seconds, for chrissakes! This team has no leader, no go-to guy and no guy that will take apart a water cooler when players are dogging it or playing soft. Instead, they have a bunch of role-players being paid as studs for multiple years – Luis Castillo ring a bell, Glen? Glen, you should go back to Edmonton where you belong. You don’t know how to handle having money to spend. By the way, Mr. Sather, you do know that your new Head Coach, John Tortorella said he would never have that froggin’ piece of tile Avery in his locker room, right? You do know that.

-Captain Chris Drury: Have you ever seen this guy hit anybody? Have you ever seen him block a shot? Have you ever seen him excite his teammates? Have you ever seen him get the crowd going? Have you ever seen him effectively change the momentum of a game? No… Take the “C” off his sweater (we love them calling their Reebok “systems” sweaters – it’s so old school!) and give to the only Ranger other than Paul Mara that plays every night: King Henrik Lundquist. Yeah, yeah… We know goalies don’t get to wear the “C” but this is a special case and a special player. The players wouldn’t have a problem with it and new coach Tortorella has a reputation of being difficult for goalies, so this would be a good move on all accounts.  

-Scott Gomez: Does he even play for the Rangers anymore? He’s so seemingly invisible out there we’re nicknaming him Claude Rains.

-Wade Redden: He is the point defenceman (note Canadian spelling) on the power play. He has two assists in that capacity ALL SEASON. He hasn’t scored since the 2nd game of THE SEASON. Sather gave him 6 million/per.

As were ending our dog sled trek in Yellow Knife, Tom Renney nodded quietly. He told us, “You make some valid points but the bottom line is that I didn’t get the job done. End of story is that we were playing like the Mets in September. Now stop making yellow snow or I’ll show you what a Game Misconduct looks like.”

That’s all for today, fill the Ranger switchboard with calls demanding Glen Sather’s head and look for an exceptionally Angry Ward tomorrow… Oh, and please tell somebody about this site. Thank you. 

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