ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT

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NEW YORK, NY – Now that I’ve been writing for MeetTheMatts.com for over two years and counting, I have the chance to do something that I wish I was able to do when this whole thing started.

I never knew when, but I always knew this day would come. It’s time for me to come clean and talk about what people have long suspected. I have used performance enhancers throughout the entirety of my MTM writing career. It started innocently enough with a couple of beers but soon graduated to wine and finally the hard stuff: bourbon… and occasionally rum.

While under the influence of “the juice” I’ve said some truly horrible things about people, most notably Omar Minaya, Fred and Jeff Wilpon, Luis Castillo, Jerry Manuel, Jerry Jones, Rex Ryan, George W. Bush, Yankee Joe, A-Rod, Roger Clemens, Bud Selig, Drew Pearson, Ollie Perez, Joe Torre, and Kate Hudson’s vagina, to name a few.

Some of the memories are hazy but I do recall drinking three glasses of Maker’s Mark one evening and then comparing Joe Girardi to Ralph Furley from Three’s Company. In another instance I knocked back five Dark and Stormy’s and proceeded to outline why the Mets were like The Addams Family. Then there was the time when I had a few too many Jack Daniels rocks and likened Rex Ryan to The Grimace of McDonald’s fame. And these are just the things that got posted!

Looking back on my booze-soaked notes there were other outlandish ideas that thankfully never saw the light of day. I’m not even sure what half of this stuff means. They are the ramblings of a madman in the grips of a Frankfort, Kentucky fog. Can you make heads or tails of this stuff?

  • The only guy who can save the Mets now is Don Rickles.
  • Shannon Sharpe is Fat Albert’s pal Mushmouth.
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  • The Gorman Thomas Crown Affair. Heh… mphlbbbuh… zzzzz.
  • SNY needs to dump all their programming and show Sgt. Bilko reruns.
  • The only guy who can save the Mets now is Jared from Subway.
  • Bill Parcells is turning into quite an attractive older woman.
  • The Gorman Thomas Crown Affair. Heh… mphlbbbuh… zzzzz.
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  • Must kill FOX NFL robot before
    it kills me.
  • Call Francesa with WNBA question tomorrow.
  • The only guy who can save the Mets now is Jerry Lumpe.
  • NHL needs to play game outdoors on the moon.
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  • Who was the first person to look at a lobster and say “You know what, I’m gonna eat that thing?”
  • The only guy who can save the Mets now is Lionel Hutz.
  • Anyway, it goes on and on. You get the picture. Now I’m not going to sit here and tell you that these performance enhancers didn’t help me write my columns, because they did. Immensely. In fact, I don’t think I could have lasted this long without ’em. I really wanted to spill the beans about this to you guys two years ago but my attorney and Short Matt advised me not to. I’m also not here to point fingers at other posters, but I think it’s safe to say that I’m not the only one here dabbling in liquid comedy.

    So there you have it, all my coasters are out on the table. After all this time it feels good to get this off my chest. Finally I can stop wearing disguises to the liquor store. For now, I have absolutely no plans to get off “the juice” nor do I have any inclination to apologize to anyone I have offended in my columns. I just felt it was my obligation to discuss this issue and answer any questions about it. I’ll do that, and then I just want to get back to my job at MTM and, of course, my drink.

    Thank you.

    Junior Blaber, tomorrow.

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    Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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