Angry Ward Wednesday: Stinky Sox, Deadweight Davis, and the Rays Can Play


BRONX, NY – I feel like I kinda lucked out this week, what with everyone wanting to talk about the upcoming hockey playoffs. Don’t get me wrong, the hockey playoffs are almost always as advertised: Great! But that leaves me with an embarrassment of riches in terms of topics. The NCAA Basketball Championship overtime thriller? Nah, I didn’t watch. Wrestlemania 35? I simply can’t support any Vince McMahon endeavor, especially one that drags on for 7 hours. Plus, he doesn’t even offer his wrestlers health insurance. F**k that guy! So instead, I’ll stick with good ol’ baseball. April is way early to be drawing any significant conclusions about teams or players, but who cares? I’m here to spit in the eye of the devil. I fear no repercussions, especially since no one is really listening. Let’s go!

Red Sox Dick Pic.

The Boston Red Sux. What in the name of Rico Petrocelli is wrong with the defending champs? As I write this, the Red Sox just lost their home opener to the seriously stinky Toronto Blue Jays, to drop their record to a putrid 3 – 9. Their so-called “ace,” Chris Sale, now sports a record of 0 – 3 with an era of 9.00. He’s not supposed to put those kinds of numbers up until September. Outside of J.D. Martinez (good hitter, questionable human), the Sox aren’t hitting like they did last year. They’re currently in last place, 6 games behind the Rays (more on them in a minute). This team is lucky to have those 3 wins right now. I don’t want their early failures to open the door for Yankee success, but it’s about time a Boston team fell flat on their face again, just like the old days. This has all the looks of that.

The Chris Davis Situation. Pulp Fiction had “The Bonnie Situation,” and the Baltimore Orioles have the “Chris Davis Situation.” After averaging just under 40 home runs a year from 2012 through 2015, the O’s signed Chris Davis to a 7-year $161 million contract extension. The first year of that contract (2016) he still cracked 38 homers, but his average dropped over 40 points to .221. Last year he hit rock bottom, or so it seemed, when he hit just .168 with only 16 dingers and almost 200 strikeouts. His nightmare 2018 has spilled over into 2019, as he’s now gone a record 47 consecutive at-bats without a hit. It takes a lot to say this, especially with the Mets paying Bobby Bonilla until Armageddon and Albert Pujols still fleecing the Angels for a couple of more years, but the Chris Davis contract might be the worst ever. He’s on the Baltimore books through 2022! In fact, I’m gonna go ahead and say it IS the worst contract ever. I hate to kick a guy when he’s down, but I write for Meet the Matts, so go ahead and take your shots right back, Chris.

Mariners Will Probably Sink, Rays Probably Won’t. This one is pretty straight forward. As of this writing, the Seattle Mariners are in first place in the AL West with the best record in the majors. As I’ve followed this team for a pretty long time, I’m inclined to believe that this trend will not last, and that it is more an indictment of just how sh!tty the American League is this year, rather than how good the Mariners are. I hope I’m wrong, but I doubt it. On the other hand, the Tampa Bay Rays, who have no fans whatsoever, are in first in the AL East and will probably be in the mix for that division at season’s end. I want to stress that I know almost nothing about the Rays, outside of Blake Snell and closer Jose Alvarado, but this team quietly won 90 games last year playing in the division with the World Champs and a 100-win Yankee team. Trust someone who has no idea what they are talking about; they are formidable.

You know who else is formidable? Buddy Diaz. And not just because he wears Sex Panther cologne. He’s back tomorrow.


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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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