CAROLINE KENNEDY TAKING OVER NY ISLANDERS

CAPE COD, MA – With a bombshell declaration heard only by The Matts, JFK’s daughter Caroline Kennedy, decided her fund raising talents were needed elsewhere, dropping out of consideration for Secretary Hilary Clinton’s vacated Senate seat. Here’s Car-Car’s shocking announcement:

“My constituents in Uniondale are in a bigger, you know, mess than, um, you know, like anyone else in the world with that damn hockey club!”

From what we understand, her immediate intention is to collect monies to cover once-again-out-for-the-season Islander goalie Rick DiPietro’s 15-year contract and get much-needed toilet paper for the Nassau Coliseum but since she never really says anything, we aren’t sure. Regardless, her announcement shocked everyone. In fact, it was even more shocking than Clinton’s decision to leave the Senate to become -of all things - a secretary.

“I didn’t *see it coming.” sighed *blindsided NY Governor David Patterson.

“First Elliot Mess – that’s what I call Spitzy [deposed Governor Elliot Spitzer) and now her! I can’t believe this happened on my *watch!” Kennedy did have the beleaguered Patterson *sign a few documents, one our sources say indeed has NY taxpayers eating Sick Rick’s salary for the next 13 years.

“It’s just another bailout, Dave, you know. It’s… like…  no big deal. My uncle says bailouts are cool.” we overheard Princess Caroline explain to the Governor.

Car-Ken’s addition to Isles not only deflects attention from North Korean leader Kim Jong II’s protégé (Islander owner Chuck Wang), it also lends even instant C.I. (Celebrity Instability) to this once-proud franchise.

 “I can’t confirm or deny anything because I don’t know what’s going on.” the Isles’  Wang said through a surprisingly honest issued statement.

Kennedy told us, through another lengthy, vapid and desultory diatribe, that Matt Millen is on the top of her list to take over for soon-to-be-fired GM Garth Snow. She feels that adding Millen will breed sympathy throughout Donor Land. She may be onto something. And let’s be honest, how in Al Arbour’s name does Snow still have a job?! We tried questioning him but he ran away. Snow is yellow. That’s all for today, please chime in below and look for Cookie’s Corner tomorrow while we await the announcement of who won our Super Bowl Giveaway!

*Governor Patterson, for those of you not familiar with NY politics, is legally blind. This info is necessary for the proper execution of our in-poor-taste-jokes.