By Rex O’Rourke

Welcome to Stoopid Skool, I’m Dr. Dunce.  Let’s begin.  First, I’d like to welcome all of you to our seminar.  Mr. Bonds was unable to attend.  He’s having his skull waxed.  Let’s start by running through a situation or two; just some things that happen to everyday folks like you and me, okay?  Question, Mr. Sosa?

Sammy Sosa – No Habla Ingles.

DD – That’s okay, Mr. Palmiero will translate.  Let’s say you’re out with friends and the club you’re in has the same strippers three nights running, you’re bored, and a little banged up.  You want to leave.  What do you do?

Adam Jones – Start a fight!

DD – Predictable.

Plaxico Burress – Shoot myself?

DD – Equally predictable and hilarious.

Charles Barkley – Drive home?

DD – Correct!  Just remember to drive erratically.  Blow off a red light or two.  That will usually do the trick.  Remember you’re trying to cost yourself future endorsement money so don’t be afraid to punch the arresting officer.  If you know anyone with some coke (cousins work great for this) see if they can put some in your glove box.  Remember, in this scenario you’re looking for a DUI minimum.  Mr. Rodman, you’re awfully quiet.

Dennis Rodman – Just putting on my eyeliner.

DD – Okay, this one’s for you, Worm.  You’re league is in a protracted lockout and you haven’t seen a paycheck in 9 months, you’re 36 and have a bad knee.  What do you do?

DR – Go to Vegas?

DD – Good, but what else can you do?  Mr. Tyson?

Mike Tyson – Buy a fawth houth?

DD – Better.  What else?  Mr Holyfield?

Evander Holyfield – Huh?

DD – Mr. Holyfield?

EH – Huh?

DD – Evander, are you alright?


DD – Let’s move on.  Steroids are a hot topic today.  What would you do if a reporter uncovered evidence of a drug test you failed several years ago?  Now bear in mind, at the time, steroids were not banned, so by telling the complete truth the American public could eventually learn to forgive you.  It wouldn’t cost you any salary and you wouldn’t be suspended.  What should you do in this situation?  Mr. Clemens?

Roger Clemens – Invent some new words, under oath, before Congress?

DD – Goofy, but not exactly what I’m looking for.  Mr. Tejada?

Miguel Tejada – Cry at a press conference?

DD – You mean “Brett Favre fake retirement” crying, “A-Rod, crocodile tear, 38 second pause” crying, or “Teenage girl my boyfriend dumped me the day before the prom and I have to scramble for a date so I don’t look like a loser in front of my friends” crying?        

MT – “Teenage girl” crying.

DD – Not bad.  Not bad.  That will help you to look pathetic but you’re still going to need to cost yourself some money and maybe land in jail.  Can I suggest lying to Congress?

Mark McGwire – Good one Teach!

DD – Alright, settle down big guy, here’s a cookie.

EH – Can I have a cookie?

DD – Someone get the Champ a cookie and a bib please?  Thanks.  Now let’s move on to steroids and the media.  Here’s a little formula I’ve devised to help you at those prickly little press conferences.  Take the average number of media credentials (M) issued at your ballpark, in your city, and add the difference between the average annual home runs you hit on steroids (S) and the average annual home runs you hit cleanly (C) and add 25 (the number of hot dogs Babe Ruth ate in the average day).  This is your Stupidity Quotient.  SQ = M + (S-C) +25. For example, if there are 200 media credentials and you averaged 52 homers on the juice and 43 off the juice, your Stupidity Quotient is 200 + 9 + 25 or 234.  Got that Alex?

Alex Rodriguez – So the higher the number, the more times I should lie?

DD – EXACTLY!  Now you guys are starting to get it!  You have to understand students, that houses, cars, divorces, drugs, strippers, and gambling just aren’t enough to burn through the kind of jack you guys are raking in these days.  You have to plan ahead, so you can kill all future earning potential.  You need crushing seven figure legal fees, bloodhound reporters nipping at your heels, paternity suits, and several back page scandals running at once.  That’s the only way this thing is going to work.  What do you want to do, end up like Tiger Woods?  Class dismissed. 

Until next week,


Share Button