ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE

NEW YORK, NY–Growing up as child of television sitcoms I don’t think there was anything that displeased me more than when one of those shows had something they liked to call “a very special episode.” Those four words only meant one thing: not only is tonight’s episode not going to be funny, it’s going to flat-out stink. Why television writers, producers, and directors felt the need to offer up cautionary messages in shows such as “Diff’rent Strokes” and “Perfect Strangers” is beyond comprehension. Seriously, did anyone need to see Gordon Jump (WKRP’s Mr. Carlson) play a pedophile bike shop owner on “Diff’rent Strokes” or find out how Cousin Balki dealt with the death of his beloved grandmother? OK, granted there was some unintentional comedy involved in those scenarios, but they really got away from their core responsibilities which were Gary Coleman saying: “What you talkin’ bout?” and Cousin Balki force feeding his odd customs to a half-crazed cousin Larry. Basically, no one needed to tune into a show like “Family Ties” to see Tom Hanks illustrate the dark side of alcoholism. We could learn that from watching our own families thank you very much.

This type of programming showed a certain kind of desperation. Can you imagine “The Honeymooners” doing an episode on spousal abuse after Ralph finally follows through on his threats to send Alice to the moon? Of course not, just as you would never see “The Odd Couple” send Oscar to Gambler’s Anonymous or “Taxi” have Louie DePalma in Anger Management. The truly great shows did not need this kind of phony drama to boost ratings. Which brings us to this year’s New York Mets (hey, you knew I had to get here eventually), if there’s one thing the Mets don’t need during the 2009 season it’s any “very special episodes.” The last two seasons have provided enough of that garbage. The 2007 collapse, Pedro’s injuries, Delgado’s displeasure with the fans, the 2008 collapse, Omar’s firing of Willie at the stroke of midnight… the amount of pointless drama this team has generated could only be equaled if the chick with cerebral palsy from “The Facts of Life” (Geri Jewell, in case this comes up at trivia night) mainlined heroin with Tootie on one extra-special episode. It’s been a flat-out embarrassment.

The bottom line is this, the Mets don’t need storylines like these this year: K-ROD CREDITS SAVE TO KABBALAH; DAN WARTHEN CAUGHT TEACHING SLIDERS TO MASSAGE PARLOR EMPLOYEES; and REYES LOVES MERENGUE MORE THAN THE METS. The team across town may feed off this kind of junk but the one in Flushing needs to avoid it at all costs. The Mets need to be the “Cheers” or “Seinfeld” of the National League. Meaning, they need to go out every week, block out what everyone else is doing, and just be the best game in town. It’s not near as difficult as it sounds. Mets fans don’t want drama unless it’s the extra-inning, game-winning variety. Like everyone else, they just want to see winning baseball. The Metropolitans certainly do not need to be boring in order to win, but they really need to put the game first and their individual personalities second. To paraphrase Crash Davis: Once you start winning, be as colorful as you want. Anyway, let’s hope that the Mets don’t have to revert to their old network tricks in order to generate back page headlines this year. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program: A very special episode of “Blossom.”

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About Angry Ward 649 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.