SOUTH BEND, IN – Stop the presses: Charlie Weis is going to coach from the sideline next season! Why is this news Earth-shattering to too many people? Simple – Big Charlie had some success coaching from the press box in Notre Dame’s dismantling of Hawaii in the We Forgot Bowl. Was Weis’ decision to coach from the rafters a product of stategic coaching genius? Well, not really. No. Instead, it was a result of the Fat Bast@rd’s knees finally giving out. That’s right, we called him a Fat Bast@rd. And we’re not apologizing for our March Madness. In fact, we hope he reads this, realizes that he is indeed a Fat Bast@ard and loses some froggin’ weight. Sorry, Charlie but did it ever occur to you that maybe – just maybe- your players might respect you a tad more and more fully buy into two-a-days if their BIG TOE wasn’t swollen and bloated?

Perhaps trading in the odd Boston Cream for some Boston Lettuce might serve the whole program better. Sure, we know you’re a deciple of Bill Parcells but do you have to LOOK like him, too? He’s another F.B. (Fat Bast@rd). Right now, you look like Ralph Kramden.

It’s not just your over-indulging that irks us, either. Your statement following knee replacement surgery has us going bonkers:

By a very, very large majority, almost everyone I talked to (Fat Tuna and Fat Andy Reid) were overwhelmingly thinking I was thinking way outside the box. As Parcells said years ago, I reserve the right to change my mind.”

Humph. So, Charlie… Would you change your mind because NOT being on the sideline to personally address your players, coaches and/or the referees would be beneficial to the Fighting Irish or because you can’t stop feeding your fat face? We know you have a full plate but we just want the skinny on what you’re thinking, exactly. At what point, for instance, did you Bill and Andy decide that having an unsightly roll UNDER your belt made you better coaches?

Granted, you’re not as morbidly obese as Mark Mangino – but two more gallons of Chunkey Monkey and a folded pizza and you’re right there, Big Guy.

The bottom line is this: If you can’t walk the sideline 90% of your games, barring injury, you CAN’T COACH. End of story. Further, if you are going to coach professional athletes – you can’t smoke, cheat on your wife/husband or be a… DRUM ROLL… Fat Bast@ard. End of story. For love of Oregon Pete, Charlie – can’t you hear the Snickers? Good golly!

Rex O’Rourke tomorrow.

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