ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: THIS WEAK IN BASEBALL (MAY EDITION)

McLEAN, VA—It’s time once again to take a spin around the league and see what’s going on with all 30 clubs. As always, we bring you only the most important news and notes, as well as some behind-the-scenes scoops you won’t get in your local tabloids. And awaaaaay we go!

AMERICAN LEAGUE

• Baltimore Orioles: The Orioles are reporting that “Lenn Sakata Karaoke Night” is almost two-thirds sold out.

• Boston Red Sox: On Tuesday, Jonathan Papelbon finally stopped pouting about Omir Santos’ home run. However, Kevin Youkilis continues to whine about getting hit on his elbow protector by Johan Santana. David Ortiz is still looking for his swing.

• Chicago White Sox: Use Clorox bleach to get their sox their whitest.

• Cleveland Indians: Sitting in last place in the AL Central, the Indians recently coaxed Carlos Baerga out of retirement in hopes of trading him to the Mets for some young prospects with normal-sized noggins.

• Detroit Tigers: Despite being in first place, many Tigers players are decrying their lack of TV exposure. Magglio Ordonez and Curtis Granderson have been two of the more vocal dissidents, citing the fact that Lou Whittaker and Alan Trammell appeared on an episode of Magnum P.I. back in the 80s, while they haven’t been offered as much a guest spot on local shows such as “Motor City Moms” and “Save My Crappy House.”

• Kansas City Royals: Zack Greinke is officially changing his name to Royale with Cheese.

• Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Gary Matthews Jr. is happy to report that his testicles are back to their original size and his back acne problem has all but vanished.

• Minnesota Twins: Ron Gardenhire has just finished penning a scathing tell-all book on the 1982 New York Mets. Chapters in the book include “Mike Scott Sucked for Us,” “The Mystery Odor in Ron Hodges Locker,” “Who the Hell is Charlie Puleo?” and “The Gary Rajsich Disaster.”

• New York Yankees: Are now charging $2.50 to ride the escalator.

• Oakland Athletics: Enjoying his second tour of duty in the Bay Area, Jason Giambi is hitting a robust .217 and has tossed his old Bronx “Giambino” nickname for a more appropriate moniker, “The Oakland A-hole.”

• Seattle Mariners: The Mariners are reportedly trying to work out a deal to get Sean Green back from the Mets. Team coaches and officials feel that Green would make an excellent batting practice pitcher and could possibly boost the confidence of the light-hitting M’s lineup.

• Tampa Bay Rays: On Monday the Rays blew a 10-0 lead, giving up 2 runs in the eighth and 7 in the ninth to lose to the Indians 11-10. They accomplished this amazing feat without the help of either Aaron Heilman or Armando Benitez.

• Texas Rangers: Texas State officials reported last week that a recent construction dig revealed that the Alamo did indeed have a basement but that Pee Wee Herman’s bike was not found amongst the various artifacts. Oh, the Rangers are still in first place too.

• Toronto Blue Jays: To honor Canada, the Blue Jays are now requesting that fans rise, remove their hats, and sing Rush’s “Tom Sawyer” during the seventh inning stretch.

NATIONAL LEAGUE

• Arizona Diamondbacks: The D-Backs were recently voted the favorite baseball team of Cat Fancy magazine subscribers.

• Atlanta Braves: Turner Field is being renamed “Saved By the Bell Stadium” after the popular TBS rerun. Screech will throw out the first pitch at the newly named facility.

• Chicago Cubs: Rod Blagojevich was named Cubs ball boy on May 16th, but dismissed only days later for trying to sell his new post to the highest bidder.

• Cincinnati Reds: Marge Schott’s recently uncovered memoirs reveal that she had a torrid affair with George Steinbrenner during the 1976 World Series. Salacious details include Schott barking at Steinbrenner: “Give me that Big Red Machine!” and Steinbrenner countering: “I’m gonna do to you what your team is doing to mine.”

• Colorado Rockies: A recent survey revealed that 72% of fifth graders can’t locate the Colorado Rockies on the standings page.

• Florida Marlins: The May 23rd “Air Conditioner Day” giveaway set a Marlins regular season single game attendance record. 25,000 sweaty fans took home brand new Whirlpool Freeze King a/c units.

• Houston Astros: The Astros’ May 22nd interleague game against the Rangers was played with both teams wearing cowboy boots. Though the Astros lost in extra innings, the game was a rousing success. Both teams reported no major injuries though Kaz Matsui was spurred by Ian Kinsler during a third inning steal attempt.

• Los Angeles Dodgers: For the 2010 season the Dodgers plan on renaming their stadium after Tom Seaver and decorating entrances with images of the 1969 Mets.

• Milwaukee Brewers: The first-place Brewers this week appointed Wisconsin Walt as their director of public relations. The club cited Walt’s tireless work spreading the Brew Crew gospel on rival teams’ websites.

• New York Mets: Jay Horwitz announced that manager Jerry Manuel will be taking a leave of absence from the team in order to audition for the role of inept superintendent Nathan Bookman on the CBS remake of “Good Times.”

• Philadelphia Phillies: Have suspended the Philly Phanatic for running up a huge alcohol tab on company plastic at a recent Yankees game.

• Pittsburgh Pirates: The Pirates almost ignited a brawl with the Cubs Monday when Adam LaRoche called Ryan Dempster a scurvy dog after keelhauling a hanging breaking ball.

• San Diego Padres: The Padres’ “Five for Five” concession deal is the best bargain in baseball. For five bucks fans get a 22 oz soda, a hot dog, a bag of peanuts, a bag of popcorn, and a chocolate chip cookie. For $10 they can substitute a 14 oz beer for the soda and still get the other four items.

• San Francisco Giants: The rumors swirling around San Francisco recently that the Giants were on the verge of bringing Barry Bonds back were nothing more than a misunderstanding. It seems the team is having Gary U.S. Bonds sing the National Anthem at an upcoming game.

• St. Louis Cardinals: Ray-Ban Sunglasses voted Tony LaRussa lamest personality to wear shades at night. LaRussa barely edged out Canadian Pop has-been, Corey Hart.

• Washington Nationals: Manny Acta recently switched deodorant soaps from Irish Spring to Coast. The Manager is reportedly very pleased with the results, though his team still stinks.

Maria At Bat tomorrow…

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About Angry Ward 625 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.