ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: BASEBALL REASSIGNMENT SURGERY

VIENNA, AUSTRIA – For Mets fans, this is truly turning into the summer of our discontent. Let’s face it, we have a roster full of Moises Alous and the replaceMets make the Nationals’ starting lineup look like Murderers Row by comparison. While the diehards hold out hope that this club will make a run while the Phillies and others fade, we took it upon ourselves to investigate alternative solutions to what is looking like a lost summer. With this in mind, we traveled extensively around the globe searching for a surgeon who would be willing to perform TBTRS – Temporary Baseball Team Reassignment Surgery for prominent MTM posters. Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. Anyway, we think we finally found the man for the job in the form of Dr. Emil Shuffhausen of the renowned Shuffhausen Clinic in Vienna. After giving him the names of various MTMers the Doc assigned a specific team to each person based on various scientific criteria including tolerance for pain, climate, fan base and other characteristics. So, here’s what he came up with.

  • Short Matt: The Colorado Rockies. The Rock Pile are the frontrunners for the NL wildcard and their fans are in desperate need of a desperate bald baseball fan to pump some life into them. Matt has never had any trouble drinking awful beer, so let the Coors flow baby. Plus, if things don’t work out there’s always snowboarding.
  • Grote2DMax: Houston Astros. Doctor Shuffhausen is of the opinion that because Jerry Grote started his career with the much-cooler-named Houston Colt .45’s, this would be the perfect team for MTM’s #1 pinch hitter. The ’Stros are a mere three games back in the NL Central and our man G2DM might even get a chance to heckle the hapless Roger Clemens should their paths cross.
  • Finns: Chicago White Sox. While a move to the Junior Circuit can be shocking for some, such is not the case with Finns. If anyone can roll with the punches, it’s him. The Pale Hose are stalking the lead in the AL Central and should be in it down to the wire. Fiery manager Ozzie Guillen is the anti-Manuel so that should be a refreshing change for our man Finns as well.
  • Cookie: New York Mets. What? Wait a minute, Cookie doesn’t need a new team, her Yankees are in first place. Hey, even the rich and famous need to slum it every now and again, and the good doctor prescribes a summer vacation at the Shea Shack for the Cook. Besides, she may just be the good luck charm this team needs.
  • Angry Ward: Milwaukee Brewers. Natch. The Brew Crew can take the Central and I’m Wisconsin Walt’s wingman at least until football season, then all bets are off.
  • Oregon Pete: Seattle Mariners. At six games over .500 and only four back in the AL West, the M’s are something of a surprise this year. It may take a lot to overcome the Angels but at least our man in the Pacific Northwest can enjoy watching guys like Ichiro and Felix Hernandez do their thing.
  • Sam’s a Fan: Chicago Cubs. Sam’s a traditionalist, and there’s nothing more traditional than Wrigley Field and the Cubs crushing the souls of their fans. Sam should have no problem mixing with Chicago’s Northsiders. Just don’t try to pour him an Old Style or make him eat a deep dish pizza. SAF is loyal and knows of baseball heartbreak. He’ll probably even reach out to Steve Bartman while he’s there.
  • Linda: New York Mets. The doctor says there is no transplant match for Linda. Her body and spirit would immediately reject any other team. The good news is, there’s a decent chance she won’t have to suffer through another late-season collapse by her beloved Metropolitans.
  • Officer Bob: Los Angeles Dodgers. The West Coast has the O.C. now they have the O.B. This move will give the good officer plenty of opportunities to monitor Manny Ramirez’s activities. He may also join forces with West Coast Craig in cracking down on bacon dog carts, followed by the two of them eating the evidence.
  • Yankees Suck: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Should the Yankees make it to the playoffs, they will never make it through the Angels. This is the only genetic match for YS.
  • JG Clancy: Minnesota Twins. He’s fought the good fight, but this ain’t the Athletics’ year. As a onetime resident of the Land of 10,000 Lakes, this should be a seamless transition. It will also prepare him for the Minnesota Vikings’ Super Bowl run this season.
  • Maria at Bat: Pittsburgh Pirates. Our AWOL Flushing Filly gets a vacation in the Steel City until, like the rest of the Mets, she can rededicate herself to the team as well as this site.
  • For everyone else, Dr. Shuffhausen recommends either the Detroit Tigers, San Francisco Giants, or, most drastic of all, preseason football. Good luck everyone. Go Brewers!

    The Phanatic and Philview are up tomorrow… We think.

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    About Angry Ward 661 Articles
    Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.