NEW YORK, NY – Angry Ward is on vacation. Despite the MTM Legal Team’s desperate but empty legal threats and our futile promises of blackmail, we could not force him into submitting something from his island getaway, where he is reflecting on Michael Jackson’s passing and Liz Taylor’s related resolve. And although we have MUCH ANGER bubbling in the cauldron of our souls after being at Dodger/CitiField last night (ask West Coast Craig about our cross-country expletive-filled call re our Mets and his Dodgers), we wisely decided NOT to try filling his shoes. Instead, we pay homage to our great, inimitable Angry Ward with THE BEST OF ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY (this year:
FEBRUARY 11, 2009 The constant B.S. surrounding steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball is getting so deep we all better put on life jackets. Every time someone opens their mouth about this topic these days a thousand flies show up to roost on the ensuing fecal matter that flows forth.
FEBRUARY 13, 2009 In my opinion Joe Torre is the worst kind of liar. He’s a passive-aggressive liar. How many of his beloved Yankees have already been named in this scandal? And how can he continue to have the audacity to feign ignorance? Make no mistake my friends (even you Yankee Joe) Saint Joe Torre knew exactly what was going on and he, above all people, benefitted from the “steroids era.†How he can continue to sound surprised and make excuses is beyond human comprehension! “I don’t think we had anybody hit 30 home runs?†What a crock of crap! Believe me, he knew. He knew plenty.
FEBRUARY 18, 2009 Chicago Cubs: Former Cub Moises Alou finally apologized to fan Steve Bartman for “saving me from another significant injury by interfering with that foul ball back during the 2003 NLCS.†MARCH 4, 2009 … the amount of pointless drama this team [The Mets] has generated could only be equaled if the chick with cerebral palsy from “The Facts of Life†(Geri Jewell, in case this comes up at trivia night) mainlined heroin with Tootie on one extra-special episode.
MARCH 25, 2009 The Twins are the prototypical best friend. How many people do you know who hate the Twins? Nuff said.
MARCH 25, 2009 Detroit as a city always seems on the verge of a jailbreak, and the Tigers reflect that very same attitude: Biding their time in solitary, bouncing that ball against the wall, waiting for their next chance to make a run at a title.
APRIL 1, 2009 Prediction for 2009 New York Mets: If You want an objective opinion, I suggest you consult a Magic 8 Ball.
APRIL 15, 2009 “Brevity is the soul of wit. The word counts on some of my recent posts have been simply ridiculous. I need an editor. No one wants to read a thousand words on why Joe Girardi has similar people skills to Mr. Roper from “Three’s Company†or why cilantro is a vile weed.
APRIL 15, 2009 …there are unsubstantiated rumors that “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid†may get an update with names like Cruise and Travolta or Damon and Affleck attached. If this happens I am moving somewhere like Bolivia.
APRIL 22, 2009 Wright Terrors: This New York-based hot corner disease strikes the central nervous system in high-pressure situations. Though not as hideous as the Bronx strain, A-Rot, the Wright Terrors can decimate the brightest of young players. Symptoms: Stranded base runners, occasional choking and overall failure in clutch situations. Treatment: Relaxed breathing, smart at-bats, going to the opposite field. If symptoms persist, some fan booing is recommended.
APRIL 29, 2009 All season long, lucky fans in the [new Yankee Stadium] right field stands will be the recipients of some of the cheapest home runs ever hit. Come out and grab a lame piece of history!
MAY 6, 2009 Anyone who decides that a good place to keep your sunglasses when you take them off is backwards on the back of your head is an idiot. Same goes for any guy over the age of 16 who thinks it’s cool to wear their baseball hat backwards.
MAY 13, 2009 …you’ve got to hand it to the ad exec who made Schaefer the beer of choice for binge drinkers.
MAY 20, 2009 Suzyn Waldman: “EVERY BIT AS SEXY AS RUTH BUZZI!â€
MAY 27, 2009 For the 2010 season the Dodgers plan on renaming their stadium after Tom Seaver and decorating entrances with images of the 1969 Mets.
JUNE 10, 2009 Danny Heep: Is the baseball coach for the University of the Incarnate Word in San Antonio, Texas. There is certainly something to say about this, but I’m still haunted by Ed Hearn’s website.
JUNE 17, 2009 Martina Hingis: What can we say about the “Swiss Miss?†Well, for starters, she was born in the former Czechoslovakia and not Switzerland. She won five Grand Slam Singles titles but, later in her career, tested positive for cocaine and retired. Prior to that though, she was an arrogant snob who once corrected an announcer after a U.S. Open match that she won the match in ten fewer minutes than he had announced. Nice.
JUNE 24, 2009 … one realizes that asking the owners to give up gate receipts is like asking Carlos Beltran to slide or A-Rod to give up his mirror,
JULY 1, 2009 Old Man Minaya
Went to the cupboard,
To get his skipper a hitter:
When he got there,
The cupboard was bare
And the season went down the sh**ter
There you have it. A nice dose of Angry Ward’s nuggets. What’s great is that he’ll be angry about our choices, which should make next week’s post extra special.
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