NEW YORK, NY—For some reason, it seems to be all the rage these days for scribes at places like ESPN and to come up with their own personal sports Bucket Lists. For those of you not in the know, this whole “bucket list” thing is based on a schmaltzy Jack Nicholson/Morgan Freeman movie where these terminally ill codgers come up with a list of things to do before kicking the bucket. In any event, sportswriters everywhere are coming out of the woodwork with their personal lists peppered with the sports events they would most want to see. So, of course, I am going to take the opposite approach and instead will offer up my F**K-IT LIST. What follows is a list of things I absolutely DON’T want to see before I croak.

•Florida Marlins Home Game: I’m not sure if it’s Joe Robbie or Dolphins or LandShark Stadium, but whatever they are calling it now, it’s one of the worst places to see a baseball game. Apathetic/absent fans, sweltering heat, and baseball being played at a football venue. Once was one time too many.

•Preseason Football: One of the biggest scams going. Every single NFL team charges regular season prices for these meaningless games played by guys who will never make the team. This is seriously one of the biggest ripoffs in all of sports. It’s tantamount to buying tickets to see AC/DC and instead getting a performance by some schmuck from American Idol.

•Tonya Harding Naked: Whoever leaked that footage of her and Gilooly on their wedding night should have gotten the electric chair. Eh, just give the chair to the whole bunch.

•Carl Lewis Singing the National Anthem: Holy Crap! Beyond your wildest nightmares awful. Don’t take my word for it. Check it out for yourself.

•Ultimate Fighting: The guys that enjoy watching this garbage are (how do I put this diplomatically?) morons. This is also an indictment of the chicks that date the guys who watch this.

•Steve Trachsel Pitching: Without fail, the guy would be on the hill when I attended the Mets’ Tuesday and Friday night games. “The Human Rain Delay” was not nearly a strong enough nickname for a guy who took so long between pitches he made “Gone with the Wind” look like a short subject.

•Idiot Knicks Fans: Whoa, take it easy, I’m not talking about everyone here. I’m just saying that many moons ago when the Knicks were a good team and making the playoffs, New York’s drinking establishments would be jammed with dopes clad in Knicks jerseys who would literally cheer and high five after every bucket. And this was only in the first quarter.

•Carl Lewis Throwing Out a First Pitch: What color is the sky in this guy’s world? What kind of insane view of yourself must you have to choose to humiliate yourself like this? Again, take a look.

•Synchronized Swimming: Olympic gold medal races? Count me in. Belly Flop contests? I’m there. But I’ll take a pass on this incredibly strange aquatic what-have-you. To their credit, Martin Short, Harry Shearer and Christopher Guest did a great job lampooning this event on SNL in the 80s.

• Any NFL Pre-Game Show: Shannon Sharpe is unintelligible, Terry Bradshaw is a jackass, Dan Marino’s a stiff, and Chris Berman’s shtick is around two and a half decades stale. We talk about how the internet has made newspapers obsolete, couldn’t the same be said about these shows? Who needs a bunch of ex-jocks in suits telling you stuff they can barely read off a teleprompter anyway? I’m talking to you Emmitt Smith.

That’s all for this week. Feel free to add any sports-related scenarios you’d rather avoid. I have no clue who’s on deck tomorrow. Maybe Matt?

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About Angry Ward 752 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.