DOPEY BRITS: FOREVER CURSED, FOREVER ANGRY

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – Call it karma. Call it payback. Call it what you will but Mother England will be forever kicking herself in her royal arse for dos Mothers of All Blunders; letting Australia and The States go (thus the phrase A royal pain in the arse!).

This realisation came after watching whales frolic in the Southern Ocean (whose existence we argued about), to surfing Bondi Beach and sipping flat whites touring Sydney’s spectacular harbor on high-speed ferries. Having experienced similar things back home, we can’t help but come rationalise that every single Londoner would trade that muddy fog puddle of a home for Manhattan, San Francisco, Mebourne or Sydney. Bloody heck, we’d take a snowy Buffalo over a dank Manchester in a Piccadilly Circus minute. Think about it; both countries are a zillion times bigger, with resources galore and breathtaking physical beauty, which varies from place to place. More significantly, at least for our purposes, the sports in both places and the fanatics that follow are just, well… Cooler.

The NFL, the NBA, the NHL and MLB are alone better than soccer. No contest. Down Under in Oz, Aussie Rules football (footy), Rugby League, Rugby Union and Netball are simply a blast. The fans pack the stadiums (Netball notwithstanding), sit side by side and DON’T maul or kill each other like hooligans at a Wembley Stadium soccer match. And we know why: They are forever angry about keeping their tiny country, lousy weather and boring sport choices instead of leaving it for the pilgrims and convicts that they jettisoned to America and Australia, respectively. They are bitter for the ‘what might have beens’ confronting them every time they see Hugh Jackman or Jack Nicholson and counter with Hugh Grant or Mr. Bean. Indeed, their biggest sports star is David Beckham? PUH-LEASE!

Way to handle the American fans, Dave. Maybe he should have taken a page out of Ben Graham’s book. The former former Australian Rules Football star was cut three times last season – twice by the New York Jets, once by New Orleans. But he kept his cool and became the first Australian to appear in the Super Bowl, punting for the Arizona Cardinals. Here’s Ben:

    “It signifies the ups and the downs, the highs and the lows of being an NFL player, which I never knew existed when I first came over here from Australia.”

If you’re still skeptical, check out the following nuggets from some of the Aussie sports columns:

    “As strong as he is, Hayne still has the body of a teenager; there’s more muscle to be laid on his upper body. But the real engine is Hayne’s bum – second only to Wendell Sailor in rugby league orbs. It’s similar in shape and stature to the great Jamaican sprinters and explains Hayne’s speed but also his leg drive which allows him to stand so long in the tackle like a back-rower.”

    “HERE’S a message the Bledisloe Cup stars may not want to hear, but it has to be said. So bring it in tight. As you blokes know better than anyone, tonight’s match at Homebush Bay – the annual clash of the best warriors of our tribes – is important. At its best it has provided extraordinary sporting theatre and warmed the cockles of our national souls. What you may not know, however, inside the cocoon that teams go into before big matches, is the rising damp of disillusionment that is eating at our passion for elite rugby.”

Obviously, we’re sold. We will likely want to move here after tonight’s match between Australia and New Zealand in a Rugby Union Test. Stay tuned…

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