by Angry Ward
With apologies to David Byrne and The Talking Heads
NEW YORK, NY – And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack. And you may find yourself in another part of the world. And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile. And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself: â€œWell, which Lifetime Original Movies for Women would make for seamless transitions to sports?â€ And you may tell yourself…
â€¢ Mother May I Sleep with Danger: Kate Hudson stars as a washed-up rom-com movie actress who decides to roll the dice and bed-down a baseball star with a checkered sexual and steroid past.
â€¢ Men Donâ€™t Tell: Omar Minaya, Fred and Jeff Wilpon all suffer in silence through an abusive relationship with Tony Bernazard.
â€¢ Engaged to Kill: Lamar Odom loses whatâ€™s left of his mind and marries a Kardashian.
â€¢ A Face to Kill For: New York Knick Ken â€œThe Animal” Bannister will stop at nothing to be as handsome as Boston Celtic rival Dennis Johnson.
â€¢ Another Womanâ€™s Husband: Anna Benson gets lonely.
â€¢ Co-ed Call Girl: The sordid past of one Yankee Joe.
â€¢ â€™Til Lies Do Us Part: Romance goes awry for Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee
â€¢ Fatal Reunion: Tom Glavine gives it one last go with the Atlanta Braves.
â€¢ Before He Wakes: The Penn State Nittany Lions football team attempts to beat Michigan while Joe Paterno takes his afternoon nap.
â€¢ Dangerous Intentions: A harrowing retelling of the day that Steve Balboni decided to tag-up from third.
â€¢ Girl, Positive: A woman dragged into the Michael Vick dog-fighting case doesnâ€™t know anything about it, but sheâ€™s damn sure who gave her herpes.
â€¢ Nailed: Part II of Dangerous Intentions.
â€¢ Summer of Fear: The Matts and JG Clancy decide to sport Speedos during a fateful July Fourth weekend at Rockaway Beach.
â€¢ Recipe for a Perfect Christmas: Fred and Jeff Wilpon decide to fire Omar Minaya and Jerry Manuel and sell the team to someone who knows what theyâ€™re doing.
â€¢ Every Motherâ€™s Worst Fear: In this updated telling of Rosemaryâ€™s Baby, a woman gives birth to a Dallas Cowboys fan.
Am I right? Am I wrong? And you may tell yourself… â€œMy God what have I done!â€