by Angry Ward
With apologies to David Byrne and The Talking Heads

NEW YORK, NY – And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack. And you may find yourself in another part of the world. And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile. And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself: “Well, which Lifetime Original Movies for Women would make for seamless transitions to sports?” And you may tell yourself…

• Mother May I Sleep with Danger: Kate Hudson stars as a washed-up rom-com movie actress who decides to roll the dice and bed-down a baseball star with a checkered sexual and steroid past.

• Men Don’t Tell: Omar Minaya, Fred and Jeff Wilpon all suffer in silence through an abusive relationship with Tony Bernazard.

• Engaged to Kill: Lamar Odom loses what’s left of his mind and marries a Kardashian.

• A Face to Kill For: New York Knick Ken “The Animal” Bannister will stop at nothing to be as handsome as Boston Celtic rival Dennis Johnson.

• Another Woman’s Husband: Anna Benson gets lonely.

• Co-ed Call Girl: The sordid past of one Yankee Joe.

• ’Til Lies Do Us Part: Romance goes awry for Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee

• Fatal Reunion: Tom Glavine gives it one last go with the Atlanta Braves.

• Before He Wakes: The Penn State Nittany Lions football team attempts to beat Michigan while Joe Paterno takes his afternoon nap.

• Dangerous Intentions: A harrowing retelling of the day that Steve Balboni decided to tag-up from third.

• Girl, Positive: A woman dragged into the Michael Vick dog-fighting case doesn’t know anything about it, but she’s damn sure who gave her herpes.

• Nailed: Part II of Dangerous Intentions.

• Summer of Fear: The Matts and JG Clancy decide to sport Speedos during a fateful July Fourth weekend at Rockaway Beach.

• Recipe for a Perfect Christmas: Fred and Jeff Wilpon decide to fire Omar Minaya and Jerry Manuel and sell the team to someone who knows what they’re doing.

• Every Mother’s Worst Fear: In this updated telling of Rosemary’s Baby, a woman gives birth to a Dallas Cowboys fan.

Am I right? Am I wrong? And you may tell yourself… “My God what have I done!”

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About Angry Ward 748 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.