ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: GREAT MOMENTS IN SOUTH FLORIDA SPORTS TALK

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WEST PALM BEACH, FL – Just like my esteemed colleagues West Coast Craig and Cookie, I find myself down in South Florida (aka God’s Waiting Room), spending some quality time with the in-laws. Now, despite what you hear about the denizens of this sun-splashed region, they are really quite rabid when it comes to their sports. Here’s just a sampling of some of the heated discussions I’ve happened upon:

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“You have the nerve to suggest Morris Glickstein is a better shuffleboard player than I am?!? Feh. What are you, meshuggah?”

“When the Marlins open their new stadium, I am definitely planning on going to at least one game… but only if it’s a playoff game.”

“Are you crazy going swimming today? That water is only 85-degrees!”

“That’s not a manatee, it’s Bill Parcells.”

“The Dolphins Cheerleaders are nothing but cheap sluts. That’s why I’m training to be a Hawaiian Tropic girl.”

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“Did you hear? Vito Silvestri just broke Harry Blum’s condo record for most bowel movements in a month! I never thought anyone would ever top 6.”

“He told me he had an extra ticket to see the Florida Panthers. Now why the hell would I want to go to the zoo?”

“I see where Bobby Bowden is taking an early retirement. These kids today. I’ll still be bagging groceries at Winn Dixie when I’m 100. Stop in the store next year and see for yourself.”

“The Rays need to start playing more day games. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna miss the early bird at the Bimini Buffet Hut.”

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“When the hell is the International Olympic Committee gonna get with the times and make wet t-shirt contests an official sport?”

“The University of Miami has some of the best shooters in the NCAA. No, not the basketball team silly, the football team.”

“Those Jacksonville Jaguars fans are a hearty bunch. I don’t think I could sit out there for three hours every Sunday and freeze my butt off the way they do.”

“It’s half price at the dog track tonight for anyone with a colostomy bag!”

“What genius thought hockey would work in this state? Sure there are plenty of transplanted Canadians like myself down here, but why do they think we left Canada in the first place, eh? To watch Jason Bay?”

“I hear that Urban Meyer is taking a leave of absence to work on his tan.”

Stripping has just surpassed rollerblading as the #1 aerobic workout of choice in the state of Florida.”

OK, that’s all for this installment. I’m sure I’ll be back next week with plenty to say about how Brad Childress makes Wade Phillips look like a genius head coach.

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Hawaiian Tropic Girls: One of these things, is not like the other… One of these things…

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About Angry Ward 649 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.