HOLLYWOOD, CA – Has there ever been a TV executive who thought the premise of the reality show being pitched to him was a bad idea? With that in mind, I think it is high time our own Matts pitched a few reality ideas of their own. I’ll start the ball rolling here with my choices.
Rudos Golpes con Los Mets – A Telemundo adaptation of HBO’s popular Hard Knocks series. This documentary plays out with a storyline that is less plausible than most Novelas on Spanish TV but equally as entertaining. The production crew follows the Mets off-season activities from various viewpoints. During the first episode it is immediately evident that the Mets front office fundamentally believes the that laughter is not only the best medicine but the only medicine. Episode four is highlighted by Jerry Manuel’s dabbling in Santeria rituals, trying to heal Jose Reyes using only a ham and a string. Kris Benson is signed to a minor league deal in episode six only to see his wife Anna (nice seams) put on a Shakira-like rump dance in the middle of the locker room.
The Disloyal Family – Larry Brown joins the Matts to host this groundbreaking sports reality show. A group of scheming coaches play musical chairs with job openings over the course of a season. Multiple sports are overlapped offering the contestants endless opportunities. Points are earned not only by taking more lucrative offers but by how much you can screw over your prior employer. In episode three Lane Kiffen hires Suge Knight to strong-arm recruits to USC. This leads to the death penalty for the USC football program but gains Kiffen valuable points in the process. In episode four he pulls yet another coup by being named manager of the Manchester United Football club, garnering so many points he looks like a shoe in to win the season until Joe Girardi’s master plan is reveled in the next to last episode. The season finale will prove to be a ratings bonanza.
Polygraphic Scenes – The Matts use a polygraph to grill famous athletes about their transgressions on and off the playing field. Episode one starts off with a bang when Mark McGwire reveals that Tony LaRussa prances around as a cross-dressing stewardess on team flights where he serves cocktails of HGH and steroids to all his players. Episode five pits Tiger Woods up against Steve Phillips to see who slept with the ugliest woman and the results may shock you. In episode nine Omar Minaya is forced to admit he has only a third grade education and can neither define nor spell the word negotiate. In fact he believed that passing a polygraph test was one of the requirements to get his GED.
Armed and Famous – The Matts put semi-famous celebrities on the beat as cops in Muncie, Indiana. Washed up actors like Erik Estrada and Wee Man join talentless celebrities such as LaToya Jackson and Jack Osbourne on the show. One episode shows all of the cast members getting tasered by actual police officers. Wait, hold on. This show already aired on CBS. Why are all the good ideas already taken?
As a post script I must inform all our loyal readers that it was 43 years ago today that the first Super Bowl was played. I should know as it was the day I was born. Amazingly Super Bowl XLIV will be played a full three and a half weeks later on our very own Angry Ward’s birthday. It’s a MTM’s conspiracy I tell ya.