*Cheesy Bruin, the Archie Bunker of MTM, has opinions that do not necessarily reflect those of MTM. That said, they will likely get us hacked again.

Hacking us off again?

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY – Last week, before some lentil-eating, towel-headed teenaged slacker messed with the site, I introduced readers to Mets-trospective – musical acts of the past – using the New York Mets all-time player database. This week, I’m following up with the version for the team in the Boogie Down Bronx, over by River Ave and 161st Street. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

Every musical needs a name and we’ll dip into Broadway lore for the remake of Damn Yankees. The opening scene is a gruesome sight as Goose Gossage, Moose Skowron, and Mike Mussina, are slain by Ted Nugent’s bow and his bandmates’ musical axes. The scene closes with Uncle Ted singing Jim Kaat Scratch Fever with blood dripping from multiple arrows.

King George [Steinbrenner] once called his failed Japanese pitching investment, Hideki Irabu, a fat toad. Throw in new lead singer of Whitesnake, Roger “Rocket” Clemens, and after all baseball fans spit on him, you have (Fat) Toad the Wet (Sp)rocket.

The next one is almost too easy. Yankee brass is looking to land a starting pitcher in a trade as they are well aware of their staff’s new nickname, 10 cc. That’s ten other guys and staff ace CC Sabathia. Oh, the things the Yankees do for love of winning.

Late ‘40’s righty pitcher Frank Hiller, Ramiro and Tony Pena, and Charles “Chili” Davis form the Red Hot Chili Peppers and perform all hits off of Californication. Unable to figure out the Angels on the playoff field in 2002 and 2005 this appropriately named CD will make Yankees fans relive eating one too many hot peppers making things painful on the “Otherside.

High, Hugh?

Joe Pepitone and his partying are infamous. When calling upon, and I kid you not, former Pinstripes outfielder from 1915-18, Hugh High, the two man Yankees version of The Doobie Brothers start “Takin It to the Streets” for all a y’all to share. Reverse Flow Poet gets a double toke. I miss that guy.

The Yankees organization usually spares no expense when it comes to off-field entertainment. One exception is asking Prince Fielder’s Dad and Luis Polonia to substitute for Prince and Apollonia. According to Polonia, the sound when doves cry and virgin teenaged girls first “experience” are very similar.

Ashford & Simpson Part II. Far from “Solid”, Tucker Ashford and his 3 games played and zero at-bats sums up a prolific Yankees career so impressive that the Mets found room on their roster the following year for this scrub. Ashford and any (Tom), Dick or Harry Simpson could tell you, “There Ain’t Nothin’ Like The Real Thing” as they performed little better. Dick had problems when it was time to get up… to bat, as his lumber dysfunction sported .194 and .197 batting averages. The most prolific of the three was Harry who sported some very good numbers when healthy which was not often.

Our very own “Californicator”, West Coast Craig tomorrow.


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About Cheesy Bruin 491 Articles
A man amongst men. Cheesy Bruin kicked cancer to the curb - twice. The Cheese Man's a big, tough teddy-bear who survived the Bronx despite being an unabashed Boston Bruins fan and Sargent-At-Arms for Angry Ward's Urban Spur Posse. Nuff said. Doctors have taken most of this throat and had to make him a new tongue from thigh-meat (his own) and still he won't shut up about the Bruins, Cowboys, Pirates and Cleveland Cavaliers. And yes, his kids do love him.