This SOB Won't Screw w/ Us Anymore

The Netherworld of Cyberspace – I know the loyal MTM readers out there are desperate to know what all went on during this week’s MTM blackout. I’m not here to bore you with the technical matters, the short (matt) version of which is that the goons at our prior host company took a bat to our servers when we wouldn’t pay their protection racket. “Just enough to wet my beak.” they said.  “Go to hell.” we said. Then one thing led to another, and their top dog is now laying out beneath an unscrewed light bulb in the hallway of a Lower Eastside tenement, while we scooted away along the roof tops.

But enough of that. I know what you really want: The scoop on what we all did while the site was down. The others swore me to secrecy, but my loyalty to them takes a backseat to my love for you, the rabid readers of MTM. So sit back and enjoy as I break the code of silence and betray my colleagues.

Angry Ward- With the site down, Ward had no reason to be angry. So he dug out an old tie-dye, lit up a doobie, and watched a couple of Mariners games while he ate frozen dumplings from Trader Joe’s and rocked out to some Pablo Cruise. Then Mrs. Ward came home, and she was angry. Beat the living crap out of him. I mean, really whooped on him. Now Ward’s angry again too, and ready to come back to MTM.

This gets Angry Ward going.

Grote2DMax- You may not know this about Grote, but he likes to collect ceramic figurines. He’s got an extensive collection of angels, but felt the need to take it to the next level. So he used his down time to begin purchasing little Chinese people.

Cheesy Bruin- Cheese Man just hung out and did Cheese Man stuff. “What kind of stuff?” you ask. The kind of stuff that you’re not cool enough to pull off, that’s what. The kind of stuff that has earned him international Cheese Man renown. He is El Hombre de Queso. He is L’Homme du Fromage. He is The Cheese Man, and you can’t touch him.

West Coast Craig- Without much to do, Craig descended into depression. He just sat quietly in a corner, arms wrapped around his knees, and desperately wished he could get the hell out of Cali. His tears flowed like wine for two days straight. Now that the site’s back up, he’s currently in the bathroom trying to pull himself together.

3 for $5 at Family Dollar!

Cookie– Ravenous at the opportunity for a little alone time, Cookie took the Little Cookies, duct taped them to Mr. Cookie, shipped them all off to the Cookies-in law, and then changed the locks on the house just in case. She then hunkered down for a Kevin Costner marathon on TBS, and after watching A Perfect World she came to the conclusion that he’s almost a good actor. Almost.

Lorie Levine- I’d love to tell you what Lori did during those two days, but the mere mention of it would crash the site. The new page is still on wobbly legs, and when it comes to our beloved blonde bombshell, it can’t handle the truth. Not yet anyway. Give it another week and maybe she’ll tell you herself. IF you’re a good boy.

Watch it in Hi-Def!

The Public Professor- I bought one of those little, hidden cameras and me `n Brooksie filmed Ward getting stomped by his wife. That footage can be yours for only $29.95.

Hey, with what Matt pays us, ya gotta do what you can to make ends meet.

Cheesy Bruin smiles for the camera tomorrow. In the meantime, you can follow me on Facebook.

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About The Public Professor 79 Articles
Mattville's George Plimpton, The Public Professor, is indeed a real, honest-to-goodness, legitimate professor at a major Maryland university. But because he doesn't have a cell phone or cable, he's crazy enough to be with us. A member of Angry Ward's Urban Spur Posse, the terrorized Bronx graffiti artist's by correcting their grammar. His loves? The Yankees, Knicks, NY Rangers and the Pittsburgh Steelers. He also has a real website: (