ORANGE COUNTY, NY – Two weeks ago marked the last day of the Orange County Fair. The kids really love the rides and some live entertainment fills the venue as well. While I like to people-watch, two creatures, a fly and an 800 lb. pig called Lilly, caught my attention this day. The swine’s ass and the fly that set up camp on its anus was an image I won’t soon forget. Then last week DJ Big Ed emceed a wedding reception that the family attended in Pittsburgh. Ed, half the weight of Lilly with arms as short as a T-Rex, was all arm movement as his lower body just didn’t or couldn’t move because of the butt baggage. Of course, this made me of the Huge Asses In Sports:
Amidst Little League World Series play across the globe, spectators remember their love of baseball traced back to younger days. A segment within the Little League pledge is to do your best, win or lose. Can somebody puhleeze smack the latest biggest ass of the moment, Carlos Zambrano, who, after his ejection, promptly cleaned out his locker and disappeared after serving up five gopher balls plus a few beanballs in a little over five innings of work versus the Braves Friday night. Having a bad day is part of life you pansy-ass mother frogger! Sometimes the other guys are better than you so suck it up and grab the ball for your next start you spoiled fat bitch. Without beisbol the Venezuelan-born Zambrano would be pumping gas at one of Hugo Chavez’ Citgo stations. This ass sends the wrong message to the impressionable Little Leaguers who emulate the Big Leaguers—oh, maybe you haven’t seen how much these kids are spitting while on the field.
Then there’s Samaki Walker, a ten-year veteran of the NBA who ate marijuana during a traffic stop by Arizona authorities. It’s one thing to bake pot or hash brownies but eating the wacky weed sitting in your Mercedes screams cl-ass. He didn’t snack on the whole stash as 10 grams were recovered along with the ordinary assortment of liquid steroids. I may have my basketball movies mixed up but wasn’t there a scene in the Gabe Kaplan driven Fast Break where members of Coach Kaplan’s pre-date Somali’s exploits? Kingman, Arizona, where Walker was stopped, is right across the river from a little gambling town called Laughlin, Nevada. The “Fast Break” squad was a Nevada-based college team—just in case you wanted to know.
And still, yet again, we have Rex Ryan who is literally and figuratively a big ass. Ryan, reportedly let a tattoo artist use his body as a canvas for a scene depicting his association and goals for the New York Jets organization. Coach Ryan has a body big enough for some of the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling artwork. I don’t need to know what’s under his first layer of skin but honestly how old is this guy? I was nineteen years old when I got inked up and not that I regret my tattoos in any way but isn’t Rex a little old to be marking up that beautiful body of his?
West Coast Craig, tomorrow.