NEW YORK, NY: By the time you all read this, it will be Friday. Someone on the MTM Staff, preferably who likes the Yankees, can add the post-script of Thursday night’s game. I’m going to be too busy AT Yankee Stadium for Game 5, to be writing a post for this column. GO YANKEES!!! If I wasn’t going, I’d be on my couch at Cookie Central texting with my brother, fellow die-hard Yankee fan, NYPD Cookie. Here’s a transcript of our texts from Game 3, in which A.J. Burnett held the future of this series in the palm of his hands:
Cookie: Pass the Pepto. Clearly the ‘A‘ in A.J. stands for agita. (Props again to Grote2DMax for this one.)
NYPD Cookie: So, what ya think ’bout this football season? Is Two and a Half Men on tonight?
Cookie: I’m looking towards ice hockey I guess. You forget… I’m a Broncos fan.
(Curtis Granderson makes his first spectacular catch of the season)
NYPD Cookie: He just saved the season.
Cookie: Grandy. Love him.
NYPD Cookie: Yea… cause my QB with the broken ribs has a chance.
Cookie: Give up on Romo already. He is not the messiah.
(Camera pans reactions by Russell Martin and then AJ in the dugout)
NYPD Cookie: LOL. You see Russell Martin’s reaction?
Cookie: AJ is just out of camera shot bl*wing Grandy.
NYPD Cookie: So is CC coming back?
Cookie: Si. Si.
(Camera pans to Yankee bullpen action as AJ looks about to implode)
NYPD Cookie: Burnett? Posada?
Cookie: Posada can PITCH… compared to Burnett. HA HA HA!
NYPD Cookie: Russell Martin
Cookie: Swish has pitched.
NYPD Cookie: Cervelli? He’s going back to Argentina. Martin screwed him out of a job.
Cookie: Don’t cry for him Argentina. QUICK! Suit up Ron Darling!! Wait.. LOOKIE LOOKIE! Side retired!!
NYPD Cookie: I’m talking about all possible not coming back.
Cookie: Oh. I’m talking about someone.. ANYONE to relieve Burnett. Speaking of pitchers… how you like Ian Kennedy this year?
NYPD Cookie: YES! Kennedy over Coke. BRILLIANT. And look at my boy Farnsworth.. that f*cker.
Cookie: And let’s keep Phil ‘UGH’ Hughes. Yea….
NYPD Cookie: Playing the role of Farnsworth this year… Sorry-ano. Joba playing the role of Carl Pavano.
Cookie: How much longer we have to pay him after having his arm stapled back together?
NYPD Cookie: Aceves.
(Posada and Martin are driven on a hit home)
Cookie: Martin nearly caught Jorge and his busted wheel. HA!
NYPD Cookie: Slow guy catches slow guy. Poor Hip Hip.. Oy Vey!
Cookie: Gardy woulda lapped ’em both and had drinks waitin’ in the dugout. FASTEST. WHITE. GUY. EVER.
NYPD Cookie: Oh yea… I’M comfortable having a lead with Burnett.
Cookie: Call me when he’s got a double digit lead, THEN I’ll stop chugging this Pepto.
NYPD Cookie: Warm up Mariano now. Make him pitch six.
(Yes.. we were just in the 2nd inning.)
Cookie: HA! Right? No saving anyone for a game that won’t happen if you don’t win this one!
NYPD Cookie: Tell him ‘OK Mr. 600.. you’re up. Give me SIX INNINGS.
(New Chrysler commercials showing various shots of Detroit airing)
Cookie: They should title that chart Pitches A-Rod watches go by.
NYPD Cookie: A-Rod. Big wood here.
Cookie: Nope. He’s got no magic va-jay-jay working for him. Cammy’s gone and we need Kate back for a ring.
(Later.. but not much… AJ still looks squirrelly. Camera pans to bullpen and TBS announcer (like it matters which idiot) says “Now up in the bullpen for the Yankees… Phil Hughes!”)
Cookie: NOOOOOO!!! NOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
NYPD Cookie: Nah, nah. Don’t worry. Girardi is just plying with Burnett. He’s sayin’ “You f*ck up and I’ll put this scrub in.”
And so it went… for 9 innings. My agita subsided after 8 after a second and even MORE spectacular catch by Curtis Granderson. Somewhere around 11:30, after the score was 10-1, my eyes closed momentarily… as if my body KNEW the game was FINALLY safe. GO YANKEES. Keep me from Texting With Terror!
The Public Professor, tomorrow.
Post-Script: A-Rod ended the Yankee season… and Jorge Posada’s career.