Eat My Sports! Prince Fielder, Pujols, Romo Save Belly-Up Sports Bars

WALL STREET – With football season in full swing, tailgating is in full swing. Really though, it’s something us fans do for all sports, wherever we can – like the local bar and grill. But a recent report shows that some of our favorite national chains are ready to go belly-up real soon and put even more folks on unemployment in a sad economy. So this one’s for you, top-ten  failing restaurant chains; my marketing strategy advice plus a suggested pro athlete to help implement that strategy:

Ground Round Grill & Bar: None better than Albert “The Machine” Pujols to pitch this eatery considering his MLB-leading thirty ground balls turned into double plays. New to the menu is the 100% USDA ground round “Phat Albert” burger that comes with two generous cups of au jus to double dip your burger.

Baker’s Square: An American fare spot of the Great Lakes and California known for its fresh baked pies gets a helping hand from A.J. Burnett. The Yankees hurler pitches shaving cream pies at a cardboard cutout of home plate where waiting customers place their face. In the rare event he hits the target, you eat free.

Field General Custer: "Follow me!"

Damon’s Grill & Sports Bar: Apparently all the nearby Ohio State football memorabilia never made its way into the four walls of this Columbus, Ohio based —another sign that business is so bad they couldn’t barter a deal with Maurice Clarette, Terrell Pryor, and Co. Enter Johnny Damon who continues his string of bad investments by declaring, “Idiots eat free eight days a week”.

Don Pablo: Once the Don of all food from Teflon pans and deep fryers, San Francisco 3B Pablo Sandoval hawks the new lighter menu at this Tex-Mex eatery after the hefty infielder shed over 40lbs. Opting for a light entrée gets customers a plastic steering wheel whose horn plays the chain’s signature, La Cucaracha.

Big Boy: The trademark icon gets a facelift with Prince Fielder’s jovial likeness and commercials with his father Cecil, to promote the Four Bagger – a veggie-free burger made with four 8oz. patties, four thick slices of Canadian bacon (dad played in Toronto), and four equally thick pieces of Wisconsin cheddar. The tag line: “Eat here once a week and you’ll grow up to be a Big Boy!

You eat that f'n donut?

Tony Roma’s: This one’s a lay-up. Tony Romo pitches his “Salad Bar special” to late diners who, within fifteen minutes of closing, can take their “pick” and “take it to the house” in the accompanying to-go containers.

Country Kitchen: Various Miami Dolphins appear in ads and certain local restaurants to invite all visitors to this homestyle comfort food pigout spot. For a team that is 1-11 in their last twelve home games, they make for the perfect guests.

Now that I’ve resurrected jobs with my plan, here’s a way for the beneficiaries to add to their income: Giants -3 and Falcons -4 (Matty “Ice” Ryan to Roddy White all day long).

Need better advice? Tune in for West Coast Craig, tomorrow.

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About Cheesy Bruin 491 Articles
A man amongst men. Cheesy Bruin kicked cancer to the curb - twice. The Cheese Man's a big, tough teddy-bear who survived the Bronx despite being an unabashed Boston Bruins fan and Sargent-At-Arms for Angry Ward's Urban Spur Posse. Nuff said. Doctors have taken most of this throat and had to make him a new tongue from thigh-meat (his own) and still he won't shut up about the Bruins, Cowboys, Pirates and Cleveland Cavaliers. And yes, his kids do love him.