Over the past two weeks Junior Blaber critiqued the quarterbacks for all 32 NFL teams. He was singing praises of some and tuning others about. After 5 hits of acid, three bowls and 13 beers – yesterday’s Hunter Thomspon-esque piece by The Public Professor set me off – I felt compelled to aside each QB a song. Take a minute to self-medicate… Good… This week the AFC:
Patriots: With A Nordic wife and skill players whiter than New England snow to catch his passes, Vanilla Ice’s tune is renamed “Ice, Ice Brady.”
Bills: After back-to-back losses – the last a 44-7 thrashing to Dallas – we might be witnessing “The Wreck of Ryan Fitzpatrick.”
Jets: Losing to The God Squad at Mile High without explanation, has Jets fans saying, “What the f—k!” Clear of cursing in front of the women and children over Mark’s QB play, just think of the retooled “What The Man Said,” Wings hit and scream, “What the San-chez!” Okay, that’s a stretch.
Dolphins: Miami started 0-7 and have put forth good efforts the last month. Two wins in two weeks have fans screaming for Matt “Moore, Moore, Moore.” Think Amy Winehouse.
Steelers: Jimmy Buffett always plays Pittsburgh – is he a Steelers fan? He likes his cheeseburger with lettuce and tomato, Heinz 57 and French fried potatoes. “Roethlisberger in Paradise.”
Ravens: Contrary to belief in B-more their QB does have talent. I’ll plead his case because, “Joe Flacco Ain’t Noise Pollution, Joe Flacco Ain’t gonna Die!”
Bengals: The Red Rifle has his team staring at a playoff birth as a rookie. For years to come fans can sing his name, “An-die” to The Rolling Stones hit Angie.
Browns: This poor schmuck has little to work with and a HC that is in over his head. Only Mike Holmgren can help save McCoy who, like the Cleveland weather, is “Colt As Ice.”
Texans: Ted Nugent ushers in two signal-callers with the same first name and can start a southwest MTM. Schaub has an injury and Leinart tends to itching his crotch from his sexploits have all of Houston with “Matt Scratch Fever.”
Titans: The team’s QB saved his career with a playoff victory over the Saints last year and parlayed the win into $$$. Competing for the division and maybe a Wild Card slot another Matt is “Hassel-beck In The Saddle Again.”
Jaguars: With nothing else to go to but children’s television, and their QB with nothing good to throw to, queue the “Yo Gabba Gabbert” theme because Blaine is child’s play for opposing defenses. You need be significantly ‘out there’ for this one, by the way.
Colts: Like attire at a funeral, “Painter Black,” as Mick & Keith would sing.
Raiders: Any help here?
Broncos: We’re all amazed at his use of arm or legs. Tim “Tee-bows Through The Tulips” on a regular basis and delivers dubyas.
Chargers: Quarterbacks and coaches are often linked together and as another disappointing season unfolds, ‘Bolts fans wail, “Downed by Phil Rivers” & “I shot Norv Turner.”
Chiefs: Inconsistent play and injuries plague their QB so much that Jimi Hendrix’s classic is remastered to “Matt Cassel’s Made of Sand” and fall in KC eventually. You need to be severely stoned for this one.
West Coast Craig is back tomorrow. In the meantime, cure your drug or booze-fueled munchies with some cheese, wine, beer or coffee – all now available on this site!