You been stuffin’ bird down yer gullet. Now it’s time to drop the dressing. Let’s talk turkey. Here are some trades I’d like to make.
Alex Rodriguez for Fred Wilpon– A-Roid’s contract is an albatross hanging around the Yankees’ neck for years to come. And now that he’s off the juice, it seems irredeemable. Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink. Maybe Uptown Freddie can work some Bernie Madoff-magic to correctify this situmacation. If not, the two of them can even out each others’ bank accounts while swapping tongues in a Spitty Field men’s room. Insert Metrosexualpolitans joke here. Sorry Yanks and Mets fans, nothing to be thankful for on this one.
Mark Sanchez for my Grandmother– My grandmother can read a defense better than this pretty-boy University of South Central grad. And she’s been dead for years. Sorry Jet’s fans, nothing to be thankful for here.
Brandon Jacobs for Tikki Barber: When the Big Cry Baby was on my fantasy team, I cut him plenty of slack. There was a perverse joy to be found in earning money while this nifty-footed big man rumbled through terrified secondaries. But nowadays he’s like the global oil supply: past peak. As such, his childish pouting almost makes you long for the doucheist of all douches. Almost. Forget it, I’m nixing this trade. Sorry Giants fans, your backfield’s a pusillanimous concoction of gravy and saltpeter, and has been for fifteen years now. Nothing to be grateful for on this one.
New Sean Avery for Old Sean Avery– In all fairness, the new Sean Avery seems like a much cooler guy. He stands up for gays and lesbians, he’s been through the ringer, and he’s much easier to root for. But the old Sean Avery was a winner. And a prick. Sorry equal equality for all Americans, the Blue Shirts need a brutal cheap shot artist to get them over the top. PS, this is where I might remind people this sight is humorous; equal rights for everyone now, bitches!
The Islanders Website for the Gorton’s Fisherman– This website is abysmal, much like the team. When you get to the homepage, there’s no roster, no news, no photos, no nothing. Just a bunch of pleas to buy shit. What an embarrassment. The laughable jerseys of a few years ago were also an embarrassment, but at least we had a good guffaw. The current website just makes me feel dirty. Sorry Islanders fans, but everything about your team sucks. Just be grateful for . . . screw it, you’ve not nothing to be grateful for.
The New Jersey Devils for a Westward Extension of the Bronx: The Devils had their run, and good for them, the gouty bastards. Now it’s over and nobody gives a flying fart. So take them and the better part of northern New Jersey, hand it over to The Bronx, and ditch the toll at the GW. `Bout time. Sorry New Jersey, but no one likes you. Hell, even you don’t like you. Be grateful we don’t sell you to the Russians for a case of vodka.
The NBA for Lori or Cookie: I dunno, was there supposed to be basketball already? Is it a lockout or a strike? Does anyone care? Screw it. I’ll trade you the whole goddamn league of prima dona players and half-retarded owners for dinner and a movie with either of MtM’s ladies. This one’s a no-brainer. NBA, be grateful you’ve got Kim Kardashian to pass around. I’m goin’ high class.
The only trade I can actually make happen, however, is Me for Cheesy Bruin. He’s up tomorrow, pending arbitration.