HOLLYWOOD, CA – All hail the Alabama Crimson Tide, kings of the College Football World once again. Now that the college football season is over, we can really begin to focus on some of the best competition around. I’m talking about the onslaught of awards shows that are about to take place. This Sunday, the first of these shows kick off with the Golden Globes. I’m hoping Ricky Gervais is as rude and insensitive as he has been in years past. As I did last year I will, give you a brief listing of all the movies up for Best Picture in one of the two main categories: Drama or Comedy & Musical. Surprisingly, yet again this year, they are almost entirely sports-based. Lets take a look…
THE DESCENDANTS: This road pic is based on the true tale of Dale Berra, Bump Wills and Pete Rose Jr.’s journey through endless autograph sessions at baseball card shows. Berra and Wills use most of their money on blow while lil’ Petey wires every cent he earns back to his Pop to help pay off bookie debts. Ben Stiller, Omar Epps and Mark Wahlberg star.
THE HELP – The nine other members of the Miami Heat are profiled in this expose that has them performing menial tasks for their superstar teammates. Dexter Pittman earns a standing ovation for his solo rendition of Swing Low Sweet Chariot, while cleaning out the Komodo Dragon’s cage in LeBron James‘ basement.
HUGO – Tired of supplying the major leagues with talent, Hugo Chavez decides to systematically kidnap all Venezuelan baseball players to play in the HUGO league. Body parts of Wilson Ramos are sent to MLB players families as a reminder to not try any funny stuff.
MONEYBALL – Art imitates life when Fred and Jeff Wilpon actually hire Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill to run the Mets. Their first order of business is teach Mr. Met how to steal signs and relay them back to the batters. Mr. Met is so successful they place him as third base coach, but he winds up knocking himself out while waving Rueben Tejada home on a close play.
More on Tejada here:
50/50– Biography about Alex Rodriguez’s off-season pursuit of performance enhancing procedures that will finally allow him to become the majors first 50 HR/50 SB player. Audible gasps are heard throughout the theater when A-Rod is coaxed into drinking a pint of Usain Bolt’s urine.
THE ARTIST – In the ultimate Art House film, Edward Norton plays woefully untalented but somehow very famous sports artist Leroy Neiman. Scores of audience members walk out during the Billy Jean King nude modeling scene.
BRIDESMAIDS – NFL Films finally gives us the Bridesmaid showdown we have been longing for. The Buffalo Bills and Minnesota Vikings, losers of eight Super Bowls combined, are matched up to see who is the ultimate bridesmaid. It all boils down to the tossing of the garter belt between Jim Kelly and Andre Reed versus Fran Tarkington and Ahmad Rashad.
MIDNIGHT IN PARIS – The first ever a soft-porn nominee for best picture is based on Paris Hilton’s brief fling with Brian Urlacher, filmed Porky’s style from a hole in the Bears locker room shower after a Monday night football game in 2004.
MY WEEK WITH MARILYN – The untold story of how Mickey Mantle went behind Joe Dimaggio’s back to bang Marilyn Monroe during the 1956 World Series. Original screenplay by Jerry Lumpke.
WAR HORSE – A trainer bent on revenge enlists a mercenary jockey to ride a rouge horse in the The Kentucky Derby. After the race is over nearly half the horses in the field are dead and multiple jockeys are decapitated. The bloodiest two minutes in sports.
Stay tuned tomorrow for Angry Ward’s column, the angriest two minutes in sports.