“Son. You really stunk up the place. You’re walking home.”
Tommy Lasorda Field of Dreams – Forgive me dear readers, it’s been a rough day. The time change, riding my bike to South Pasadena to play baseball, our team getting destroyed (though I was the pivot man in a rare triple play!), then blowing out my back tire on my ride home and having to push my bike the rest of the way…I’m exhausted. So, I’m digging deep into the archives here to one of the first things I ever wrote for MTM, from April of 2008…yes, four years of Sunday night all-nighters will drain you of ideas once in awhile. Besides, at least out here, kids’ baseball is also starting up again so it feels apropos:
Thank you all for coming out today, it’s a beautiful day and we’re going to have a great season this year. I grew up in the neighborhood and have a lot of wonderful memories about playing as a child on this very field. I learned a lot about baseball, sportsmanship, and being a man right where you all are standing. I’ll never forget the words my father used to say on those days we’d have a tough loss…he’d clasp his hand on my shoulder, and say “Son. You really stunk up the place. You’re walking home.”
T-Ball is an exciting time in a young person’s life…and when I say “young,” you need to start considering the term relative. I know you all think you’re five and six years old…but if you’re serious about this, you should consider telling everyone you’re only three. Maybe two…though you may have to forget your potty training to pull that off. The scouts will notice these things, and you’ll find that the path through to the Major Leagues will be much easier. You should always remember to drink your milk as well, it does your body good…though stay away from any of that “organic” stuff, you’re all going to need as much bovine growth hormone as you can get, at least until you find somebody in Jr. High who can hook you up with the good human stuff. It’s never too early, and remember, the designer steroids are going to be even better for the kids coming up behind you, so you have to grab every advantage you can. By the time you reach the Bigs, the babies will all be designed in test tubes, and will be able to hit 450 foot home runs by the time they’re five—er, excuse me, three—and believe me, you won’t be able to compete with that. They’ll come along, steal your jobs, your women, your self respect…
I see that the Park Director is coming over here with an angry look on his face, so let me wrap this up. The road to the major leagues is paved with losers…don’t be one of them! Thank you and have a great life!