Grote’s Gripes: Lawyers, Guns & Money

Richard & Ryan Rockin’ Rainbows On Runway

HOUSTON, TX – This season marks the 50th Anniversary for my beloved Mets. Fifty years of highs and lows. Luckily for you folks… this column isn’t about the Mets.  The Houston Astros organization is also celebrating their 50th Anniversary in Major League Baseball. One thing that franchise has been known for through the years are their uniforms.  The Astros blew everyone’s mind in the late 70’s with their rainbow tops and numbered pants.  They looked like what everyone imagined KC & The Sunshine Band’s road crew softball uniforms would look like. Disco Dan Ford requested to be traded to the Astros immediately after viewing their fine new threads during spring training.

With this stylish tradition, the Astros thought the best way to pay homage to their past would be to wear throwback uniforms from different eras during every Friday night home game this season. Seems like a great promotion to me. Except there is one small thing:  The Astros were initially called the Colt .45’s, as in a pistol.  They only had this name for three seasons but in order to celebrate all 50 years, the Astros naturally wanted to wear their inaugural uniforms on some Friday nights.  “Not so fast,” said Marshall Bud Selig.  There was no way that Bud wanted the bad PR that would surely follow if he allowed the Astros to wear their Colt .45 uniforms because those uniforms had an image of (gasp) a GUN across the chest.  So, in following along with his tradition of being a bonehead to the highest degree, Bud has told them they must not use the pistol.  Now they are going to just erase the pistol from the uniform as if it never existed.

Guns Don’t Kill Baseball, Bud Selig Does

Only someone as delusional as Selig could force gun control on the citizens of Texas and think he’d be hailed as a hero. Let’s just say in America we have The Bill of Rights and The Bud of Wrongs. Well, I’m here to try to help old Bud out with some clever solutions to this predicament.

Singles: Back in the day, a 45 not only was shorthand for a gun but also what record singles were called (for all you kids out there this was due the the RPM speed at which they were played). The Astros can simply add images of record labels from 1962 – 1964 to the the uniforms and no one would be the wiser. It would be great because you would have side A on the front of the uniform and the lesser known side B (aka flip side), on the back of the uni.  Whomever is hitting sixth in the lineup will have the number 6 single for that year, so for 1963 jerseys they would be sporting the Kingsman’s Louie Louie (side A) / Haunted Castle (side B).

Beer: Old Bud makes money hand over fist from beer advertising, so he wouldn’t mind if the Astros acted like the Colt 45’s referred to Billy Dee Williams favorite malt liquor now would he? What would be better than having a nice big 40 oz. Colt 45 on the uniforms? It works every time.

Football: Maybe this could be used as a cross promotion with the NFL, by having the Astros wear various Baltimore/Indianapolis Colt number 45 jerseys from through the years. With such luminaries as Jim Burroughs and Jerry Hill having worn number 45 for the Colts, this is bound to be a sure fire hit with the Houston fan base.

Stay tuned tomorrow for someone who believes in the Bill Of Rights, Angry Ward.

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