BOSTON, MA – Many of the comments and a few contributors on MTM have spoken of a sports void after the NFL puts its playing season to rest. Some express interest in Spring Training, others March Madness and fewer still, hockey. As an avid NHL fan, I feel it’s my duty to try and promote, if not educate, the guy sitting on the bar-stool next to me about hockey and the similarity of the game’s lexicon to life at home with the wife and kids.
Offsides Always needing to know your audience before broaching the subject of hockey, start with this un-penalized stoppage of play where the skater precedes the puck into the offensive zone. Offsides also happens if the occupier of said bar-stool is a member of the Rainbow Coalition and is a hockey poser. Find another seat, and fast.
Icing The intentional clearing of the puck to dodge pressure in your own zone or the result of condescendingly asking to scratch your better half’s feminine bitch-itch.
Too Many Men on The Ice This two minute minor penalty has nothing to do with methamphetamine use. It’s a gathering of sexually frustrated friends after all deal with the aforementioned ‘icing’ back at the homestead.
Shots These attempts are as varietal as the two ounce liquor selection behind the bar. After incessant nagging (snapshot) from the Mrs. unload a wristshot—a flip of the ‘bird’ with a twist of the wrist. A volley of the two can result in a backhand or slapshot which is never advisable.
Pad Save Happens every game by a goaltender and once a month by the staple in every woman’s purse. The former keeps pucks from trickling into the net whereas the latter stems the red tide from staining. Heavy pressure is neutralized by stacking the pads to make the save.
Hooking The inappropriate use of a hockey stick and twisted logic suggesting your wife turn tricks to offset financial woes. Oh, so I guess that makes me a pimp. Not so bad.
Butt-ending Some ass worshipers have been accused by the opposite sex of spending more time than necessary on this portion of the female anatomy. For me, ‘it’ begins and ends here. On the frozen surface, this infraction is known to start wars contrast to the nice-nice between the sheets. Simply put—a different type of knob on a different type of stick.
Holding the Stick Any time a player grabs another’s wood is call for a game misconduct. A two-minute foul never penalized at home and always welcomed during foul play. Put a movie on for the kids and lock the bedroom door if the wife grabs your stick.
Boarding For a little variety in your love life, take a queue from NHL referees most disputable penalty call. Need not be into S&M but a wooden paddling and some rubbing of the affected area can be as fun as watching hockey, like today’s Bruins victory over the Rangers in 12:30 PM EST game.
West Coast Craig, tomorrow.