DALLAS, TX – Last week I wrote about the Houston Astros uniform tradition. I wasn’t planning on keeping this uniform theme going another week, but I couldn’t resist. The Baylor Bears showed up to play in the NCAA mens basketball tournament in glow stick green uniforms. It was like watching a rave and a basketball game all wrapped into one. They apparently have the same blinding effect on opponents as those awful blue headlights have on approaching drivers. It must be working well for them, since they have used the power of Limon to make it through to the Sweet Sixteen.
These awful uniforms have inspired me to run through some of the worst uniforms in the history of North American sports. Here is a trip back in time that Mr. Blackwell would be proud of (may he rest in peace).
San Diego Padres: Anyone who wore these brown and yellow abominations looked like they were wearing one half of a horse costume, and I’m not talking about the front of the horse either. Rather all but one Padre looked like they were the back end of the horse since Dave Winfield’s gummy fake smile made him look like Seattle Slew.
Baltimore Orioles: In the early 1970’s the Orioles decided to show solidarity with their oppressed brothers up in Attica by wearing standard issue orange prison jumpers. No wonder Jim Palmer was so anxious to get naked for that famous Playgirl spread.
Washington Bullets: Good lord everyone was patriotic back in 1976 but the Bullets took it to the extreme. The Bullets uniforms were so over the top they made Apollo Creed look like he was fighting for Mother Russia. Were these guys playing basketball or were they gettin’ down on the Star Spangled Soul Train Dance Line with Don Cornelius?
Philadelphia Flyers: The early 1980s Flyers decided that hockey was a formal sport so black slacks should be the appropriate attire. Other teams couldn’t wait to give them black eyes to match their black pants.
Denver Nuggets: The Astros made rainbow uniforms hip in the 1970s and it took the Denver Nuggets to make them unhip again in the 1980’s. Of course John Denver became famous singing about this city’s amazing skyline didn’t he?
Vancouver Canucks: Ice. The final frontier. The Canucks front office ended up with similar fates as their mentors Max Bialystock and Leo Bloom did. They sold 10,000% of the rights to their apparel profits to little old ladies not knowing these uniforms would become a huge hit in the roaring San Francisco bath house scene of the early 80’s. How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong colors, the wrong designer, the wrong materials. Where did I go right?
Chicago White Sox: Just because the White Sox fielded the equivalent of a beer league softball team during the 1970’s was no reason to dress them up like one. I must give them a little credit for the nifty flair collar. Not nearly enough to make up for the black shorts and knee high socks but some credit nonetheless.
Stay tuned tomorrow for Angry Ward, a man who will wear shorts anytime, anywhere.