HOLLYWOOD, CA – As West Coast Craig will tell ya, Tinseltown is FULL of people who’ve been nipped, tucked, plumped and injected – and that’s if you look beyonce Lindsay Lohan. But what you may not know is that sports is FULL of athletes who’ve gone under the knife. Let’s take it under the knife:
“The Mole” Buy A Nose: Quite frankly, this story was brought to my attention by Short Matt as the founding idea of this column. Last year while still with the Mets, Carlos “The Mole” Beltran made a joke – which then turned into a promise – about Jon Niese’s nose and Beltran said he’d pay for his nose job. A few weeks ago, this came true as The Mole forked over $10,000 to pay for Niese’s nose-job. Niese claims the desire was not cosmetic, but functional and would help him breathe better. Looks the same to me… ugly. Let’s hope his pitching isn’t as bad this season.
Carlos “The Mole” Beltran: SERIOUSLY guy?!? You’ve got car dealerships named after you in Spain, have bled a honkin’ chunk of payroll off the Mets’ for nothin’, you find the need to poke fun and PAY for an old teammate’s nose-job and you CAN’T FIND IT WITHIN YOUR BRAIN to get that piece of doo-doo removed off your head?!?
Mark McGwire: Anyone take a look at this guy in the past decade? Someone say ‘facelift?’ How about an eye-job? And no, this doesn’t appear to be a result of deflating off steroids. He looks pulled and pinned. Dude’s got some creepy eyes.. but not to be outdone by…
Tom Hammond (NBC’s Horse Racing Commentator) : As much as I love watching the Triple Crown, I am frightened to place a bet on it every year. Creepy Tom Hammond’s eyes and his bouffant hair FREAK. ME. OUT. to such an extent that I can NEVER replicate my track fly luck with races viewed on the tube. It’s really a wonder the horses themselves aren’t spooked.
Lip-Hugh-suction: The Yankees need this DESPERATELY. Get rid of Phil Hughes. In my estimation, this is TWO years overdue. Last year, his ‘dead arm’ diagnosis should’ve been translated for Yankees brass. ‘Dead arm’ = SUCKS AS A PITCHER. That’s it. End of story. The guy really put’s the UGH in hUGHes. The Hughes needs to be SUCKtioned OUT.
Prince Fielder: Gastric bypass. Have one. It’ll help you run to a base when you don’t actually smack it out of the park. And frankly, those days are numbered because it’s going to get increasingly harder to get that bat around all that blubber as you’re getting older and bat speed is decreasing ANYWAY.
Jeter-Ectomy: I’ve ogled Jeter from field level, and he looks pretty good to me. However, several years back, NYPD Cookie was working at the stadium and saw Derek Jeter and several other Yankees up close and personal. What he told me, is that, IN FACT, Ricky Ledee was much better looking than Derek Jeter. Indeed. Read it again. That’s what he said. He does not wear glasses. All I have to say about Jeter is that good looks DO only carry you so far. He will turn thirty-eight in June, and continuing to date very young starlets is just starting to make him look like a creepy old athlete.
And with that, I’m gonna tuck on outta here to have a good weekend. In the meantime, come back tomorrow for a guy who needs no cosmetic enhancement, The Public Professor. And tell a friend to visit us at MeetTheMatts.com, too. It might mean boob jobs for everyone, which might give Tall Matt (aka Missing Matt) confidence to start doing something on here again! He was great in Rome back in ’79.