Suspensions Of Disbelief

LOS ANGELES, CA – A lot has been made of these contentious hockey playoffs here on MTM. Quick question: As an adoptive Angelino,  do I jump on the Kings’ bandwagon? Let me know… As for the hockey, I’ll leave the analysis to resident experts Cheesy Bruin, Grote2DMax, and Different Matt. They can parse out the head-scratching, off-ice punishments both in tiny fines and giant suspensions much better than me. Obviously, there’s some subjective interpretation in levying this stuff out – beyond my knowledge – but Brendan Shanahan’s reasoning behind these discrepancies sure seems as slippery a slope as a hockey rink turned on its end. What would Wesley Snipes say about this?

But how would Shanahan deal with the craziness outside of hockey? What suspensions would Shanny give to other famous sports cases were he in charge?

Metta World Peace: The cheap shot artist formerly known as Ron Artest, MWP had more or less been living up to his new moniker the last couple of seasons until yesterday but wow… just wow. His dunk celebration seemed better suited to a Walmart on Black Friday, and it won’t just be two minutes for elbowing he gets. Given his illustrious history, you’d have to think 25 games, a punishment meant, with one game left in the season, to deny him the playoffs. If it were just this instance, you can’t be sure. But this is the guy that as a Pacer leaped into the stands to pound a beer-chucking idiot. He was suspended the rest of the 2004 season. Would Shanahan look to precedent in this case? Terry O’Reilly only got eight games and a whopping $500 fine in 1979, so let’s account for inflation – about 3x from what I’ve found – and call it $1500 and 24 games. Since this would only apply to Ron Artest, had he changed his name to Metta World Peace back then, he could’ve played sooner.

Sean Payton: For overseeing a system that paid bounties for inflicting injuries, Payton has been suspended an entire season by NFL commish Roger Goodell. In the NHL, bounties on trying to hurt opposing players is known to goons as “salary,” so I think the penalty would be light. 3 games.

Ricky Williams: Fined $650 grand and suspended 4 games for the audacity to proudly toke up a little weed. You never hear any stories about hockey players smoking up, and with all those mullets you have to think it happens. Shanahan looks the other way and Rickey…skates.

Latrell Spreewell: Suspended for a year in 1997 (later reduced to 68 games) for strangling his coach PJ Carlesimo. Shanahan has wanted to strangle Carlesimo plenty of times, so Spree gets off with a $200 fine.

1919 Black Sox: Shanahan knows about Red Wings, not black socks. He suspends them all for life as well.

Manny Ramirez: Manny is currently serving out a 50 game suspension for another steroid fail. Shanahan would make it 100 and then hire him to look after his kids, but that just doesn’t seem that funny and the series is cancelled after half an episode.

Grote2DMax will serve his MTM suspension by writing another stellar post tomorrow.

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About West Coast Craig 226 Articles
West Coast Craig reports from Hollywood with an endearingly laid back style. A happily married father of two little boys, WCC has an avocado tree in his yard, plays the hot corner in a "Valley" hardball league and always manages to take cool sports-related mini road-trips, often with his immediate clan. He hails from Oneonta, NY but has been "So very L.A." for twenty years, so his sports teams are the Yankees AND the Dodgers, the Pittsburgh Steelers, the L.A. Lakers and the Colorado Avalanche/Quebec Nordiques. WCC loves bacon-wrapped hotdogs and can touch his heel and his ear... with his hand.