NEW YORK, NY – Well, here we are again. Hope all of you commies enjoyed your International Workers’ Day festivities yesterday and are well on your way to recovering from your vodka-induced hangovers. Me? I’m still hungover from last weekend’s NFL Draft marathon. Thankfully, I only watched the first round on and off. Though I agree with those who find the whole process a bit boring, I did enjoy the fact that this year’s opening round featured a lot of trades. I also find it amusing that after all is said and done, so-called football experts hand out their draft grades for each team before any of the players have even stepped onto the field. I think you’re better off judging the players based on their names. Do they sound like football players? Are there any Bronko Nagurskis or Tuffy Leemans in this year’s crop? Let’s take a quick look at the first round and see if any of these guys seem like the genuine article or whether it sounds like they should be doing something else.
1. Indianapolis Colts: Andrew Luck. Horatio Alger protagonist.
2. Washington Redskins: Robert Griffin III. Wealthy industrialist.
3. Cleveland Browns: Trent Richardson. Daytime soap star.
4. Minnesota Vikings: Matt Kalil. The Shawarma King of Seventh Avenue.
5. Jacksonville Jaguars: Justin Blackmon. Bassist for soca group Byron Lee and the Dragonaires.
6. Dallas Cowboys: Morris Claiborne. Hairdresser to the stars.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Mark Barron.Wall Street douche.
8. Miami Dolphins: Ryan Tannehill. Manager, Yakov Smirnoff Comedy Club, Branson, Missouri.
9. Carolina Panthers: Luke Kuechly. Moonshiner.
10. Buffalo Bills: Stephon Gilmore. One half of two-man Pink Floyd cover band, The Crazy Diamonds.
11. Kansas City Chiefs: Dontari Poe. Quentin Tarantino character.
12. Philadelphia Eagles: Fletcher Cox. Porn star.
13. Arizona Cardinals: Michael Floyd. Second half of Pink Floyd cover band, The Crazy Diamonds.
14. St. Louis Rams: Michael Brockers. Football player.
15. Seattle Seahawks: Bruce Irvin. Incredibly fabulous interior decorator who’s way out of your price range.
16. New York Jets: Quinton Coples. Marriage counselor.
17. Cincinnati Bengals: Dre Kirkpatrick. Anchor, BET annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade coverage.
18. San Diego Chargers: Melvin Ingram. 1970s AM radio disc jockey.
19. Chicago Bears: Shea McLellin. Headliner at next year’s Lilith Fair.
20. Tennessee Titans: Kendall Wright. Olympic beach volleyball babe.
21. New England Patriots: Chandler Jones. NY Post Gossip columnist.
22. Cleveland Browns: Brandon Weeden. Spicoliesque surfer stoner.
23. Detroit Lions: Riley Reiff. Star of new FOX sitcom, The Reiff of Riley.
24. Pittsburgh Steelers: David DeCastro. Bronx Borough President.
25. New England Patriots: Dont’a Hightower. Football player/future star of Police Academy 10.
26. Houston Texans: Whitney Mercilus. Half diva, half Flash Gordon villain. All scary.
27. Cincinnati Bengals: Kevin Zeitler. ESPN Fantasy Football expert.
28. Green Bay Packers: Nick Perry.Boy detective.
29. Minnesota Vikings: Harrison Smith. Captain of the Harvard debate team.
30. San Francisco 49ers: A.J. Jenkins. Football player.
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Doug Martin. FBI witness protection program informant.
32. New York Giants: David Wilson. I don’t know what to make of this one. Any ideas?
There you have it, only a few actual football players in the entire first round. So concludes two consecutive days of pointless name play here. Lori Levine is back tomorrow to perhaps talk about the Rangers, the Yankees, or fire saftety spokesman, Amare Stoudemire.
