Angry Ward Wednesday: 2012 Summer Games Preview

First leg of the Urban Pentathlon

NEW YORK, NY – It’s pretty amazing but, somehow, we’re halfway through June. Kids have already graduated high school, knocked up their girlfriends on prom night, and are preparing for one last crazy summer before taking off for college… which will pretty much bankrupt their parents. A tradition unlike any other. Meanwhile, here in New York everyone’s gearing up for the summer games. And by that, of course, we do not mean the Olympics. London’s hosting those this summer and you can bet the Brits can’t wait to show the world that they are not to be trifled with when it comes to such equestrian events as Dressage and Eventing, not to mention more traditional athletic pursuits like fencing and badminton. But back here in New York, the real summer games are already underway. Here’s a look at some of the events.

100-yard iPhone Dash. This one’s pretty straight forward. You snatch someone’s iPhone while they’re talking on it, bust it down the block for a 100 yards or so until you’re in the clear, then sell it on Craigslist two days later. Lots of top notch competition in this category this year, so there are no clear favorites. But don’t go to sleep on the Bronx. Seriously… don’t go to sleep.

Synchronized Schvitzing. When the temps start topping out in late July/early August, the city’s synchronized schvitzers really shine. Look for the portly pit-stained dream team of Mike Francesa and Chris Carlin to defend their title.

Francesa (at left) in training

Urban Pentathlon. This classic competition features the same five events it always has: Fire hydrant opening, bottle collecting, West Indian Day parade target shooting, non-air-conditioned bus riding, and it’s all capped off by the famous, “Running of the Homeless,” where competitors must dodge hordes of unfortunates as they bust out of the Port Authority Bus Terminal and ramble south down Eighth Avenue. Word has it that our own superstar triathlete, Cookie, might be training for this one.

Underwater Sports. Contestants with absolutely zero swimming skills are invited out to New York’s Rockaway Beach to put their stupidity to the test. First one to the bottom wins. To be honest, we’re hoping that this one gets cancelled due to lack of interest. (Ed. note: Apparently another life was lost out at Rockaway yesterday, this time a 14-year-old boy. I thought about taking this out but I am so sick of this same story year after year, that I felt compelled to leave it in).

Judo. Brooklyn’s conservative “chosen people” square off in this “who’s-got-the-most-moolah” battle. The winner will likely emerge from either Borough Park or Williamsburg, though Abe Fishbein of Crown Heights is vowing to “crush the competition like a wine glass wrapped in a napkin.”

Wallet Lifting. Sticky-fingered athletes from all over the tri-state area will compete in various wallet lifting weight classes, from the Super Heavyweight Wall Street division to the Featherweight MTM Employee division.

70s stars poor hygiene made the set a little rank.

Pole Vault. In recent years the Catholic church has dominated this sport which features trusted clergy members touching young boys’ poles then telling them to “keep it in the vault.” Though many top competitors have been moved out of state, there should be no shortage of up-and-comers to watch out for.

Dumpster Diving. Before there were shows like Storage Wars and Pawn Stars there was dumpster diving, scrounging in it’s purest form. In this year’s games there are two dumpster diving disciplines. The first is the usual junk collection category, which Cosmo Kramer won some years back when he found the old Merv Griffin set. The second is the culinary category which pits garbage-picking gourmets against one another in a literal battle of intestinal fortitude. Look for Occupy Wall Street wing-nuts to dominate the latter category.

OK, that’s enough for today. Be sure to stay away from the Heptathlon-B events at this summer’s games. You can catch something just by sitting down. Check out Lori Levine tomorrow. Bikini weather is upon us.

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About Angry Ward 649 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.