LONDON, UK – I’m reporting today from where the Summer Olympics are about to kick off. (It’s also the future home of my Rams – at least for one home game each of the next three seasons). Originally, I was very excited to see that this summer the Games of the XXX Olympiad were scheduled to begin at the end of July. I was sure that Ginger Lynn, Desiree Cousteau, Desiree West, Dorothy LeMay, and Erica Boyer would all make the American squad. I was even sure that Fred Willard was arrested while watching the girl on girl trials in a public theater. Unfortunately, the XXX Olympiad is just a notation that this is the 30th Olympic games in modern times.
Oh well, turns out there are 30-odd main categories of events. I will give my breakdown of each event as I remember it from the briefings I had at the Squire’s Stool Pub. I’ll dash it with a few of the local terms I’ve picked up here. For instance, if you hear that an athlete is “out on the piss,” it doesn’t mean he failed a drug test, but rather is getting drunk around town. Since the Olympics are a two-week event I’ll breakdown my analysis into two installments starting in alphabetical order. As an aside, I’ll be taking bets as to whether the Mets will win again before the Summer Olympics are over. Anyway, here are my Summer Olympics Preview, Part I:
Archery – The athlete who eats the most Big Macs at the Olympic Village McDonald’s gets the golden arches. Hey, it beats the golden shower I envisioned in the XXX Olympiad.
Athletics – Big MTM presence J.G. Clancy’s Oakland A’s are so hot they all get on the podium in London. The dog’s bollocks they are.
Badminton – Named after terrible 70’s pitcher Greg Minton. That’s right Greg Minton gets slagged off regularly around these parts.
Basketball – The Chinese are using an Inception-style plan to alter reality in order to thwart this Dream Team’s chances. All this is done while LeBron James and friends are having a kip.
Beach Volleyball – I expect multiple players to die from hypothermia if they try to play volleyball on Blackpool Sands Beach or any other bloody spot in Britain.
Boxing – The Brits love this sport so much they named the day after Christmas for it and turned it into a national holiday. Be careful though, the scoring in this event tends to be a bit dodgy.
Canoe – The lads up in Oxford laugh at the Summer Olympics pathetic use of canoes. Damn smarmy gits.
Cycling – You have your choice of BMX, Mountain Bike, Road or Track cycling at these games. Either way, it is only fun to watch when someone goes arse over tit.
Diving – The athlete who visits the most seedy pubs in and around London wins their choice of a gold medal or… a Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Equestrian – The horses in this event are even appalled by the teeth they are seeing in London. I’m mean their teeth are total pants.
Fencing – Wise guys from across the world are judged by the amount of money they get for goods they nick from the Olympic Village.
Football – Sorry folks, this is not the real football – this is the Nancy Boy football, better known as soccer in this country. There is more diving in this event than there is in the actual diving competition.
Gymnastics – The only place in the world where 70 lb. girls can be considered world class athletes. Mostly contested by tiny birds and poofs.
Handball – Would be a much better event if it really was the XXX Olympiad. You could get your knob turned without having to go through a full how’s your father?
Hockey – As in Field Hockey. As in school girls in skirts. As in another event that would be much better if it was the XXX Olympiad.
Judo – The Iranians are boycotting this event mistakenly believing it means you win Jewish money.
Stay tuned tomorrow for a man who will take any type of money for toiling on this site, Angry Ward.