BRONX, NY – Two weeks ago the Yankees entered the playoffs full of confidence and swagger. The Bronx Bombers showed all year that they might not have the best pitching staff but they could out hit anybody, especially with the game on the line. After nine playoff games during which they pitched well they are a complete mess because they all started hitting like Jason Bay. In fact, the whole Yankee organization turned into a soap opera in a fortnight. Nobody is enjoying this more than yours truly. The reason is two-fold, I hate the Yanks and love soap operas.
This week I thought I would give you the low down on exactly which soap operas these Yankees are set to appear in during their extended off season. Check your local listings for time and channels.
General Hospital – Derek Jeter and C.C. Sabathia star in the long running king of all soaps. Always good for a surprise or two this season holds true to form. Recovering from ankle surgery, Jeter is surprised when he wakes up to see C.C. as his roommate. The biggest twist is when Dr. James Andrews comes by to inform C.C. that there is nothing wrong with his elbow. Rather the reason that he has been pitching poorly over the past few months is because he is actually eight months pregnant.
Dallas – Andy Pettitte plays Bobby Ewing to Roger Clemens J.R. Approaching a long awaited perjury trial of J.R. in which he is the government’s key witness, Pettitte is knocked unconscious. When he wakes up he has amnesia about everything to do with steroids, HGH and J.R. Dallas always had the most unbelievable story lines, didn’t it?
As The World Turns – Alex Rodriguez stars as a cad on this soap and seems to have things made until he decides to ask a very attractive fan for her number by flipping a baseball to her. Madonna, Kate Hudson and Cameron Diaz see this on the back pages of the tabloids and all come forward claiming to be carrying his baby. All three back off the claims after they watch his putrid post season performance. Lots of tears are shed, mostly by Rodriguez himself, after the ball is returned with the number of dial-a-joke instead of the smoking hot girl’s digits.
Guiding Light – Curtis Granderson guests stars in a very special episode of the oldest soap opera in history. This one-off special is just a ruse by Yankee brass to see if Granderson’s hitting troubles are due to eye problems. The results are not surprising, he has 20/20 vision but has slow motor skills causing him to have a problem hitting good pitching. He seeks a second opinion which comes back that he throws like a girl.
The Young And The Restless – Brett Gardner, Jayson Nix and David Phelps star as a trio of hungry young players who will do anything this off-season to finally get a chance to start. Strange things start happening. Raul Ibanez’s real birth certificate is uncovered in the Dominican showing he is 92 years old. Hiroki Kuroda is found out to actually be Hideki Irabu, who faked his own death and started pitching lefty. Reports also surface that Robinson Cano spent the entire playoffs in Venezuela. His imposter was none other than Luis Castillo, who was paid a few hundred grand to take Robbie’s place in the Yankee line-up for the playoffs so Cano could participate in the World Series of Dominos with his good buddy Melky Cabrera.
La Reina Del Sur – The smash hit Telemundo novela gets a dash of Yankee Panky when Eduardo Nunez, Ivan Nova, Rafeal Soriano go south of the border looking for the Queen of the South. Having been left off the playoff roster, Nova gets a jump on the other two. Soriano nonetheless steals the girl when he comes down south performing his signature routine of pulling his jersey top out of his pants, only this time it is not his shirt that gets pulled out.
Stay tuned tomorrow for Angry Ward, who pulls everything but money out of his pants.