Dear Cheesy: Please Help. My NFL Picks Suck

And Cheesy 24-7

The Sick Bed – Getting sick isn’t even an annual occurrence for me—the so-called common cold ain’t even all that common. But the flu kept me from the Pulitzer worthy efforts of Diff (BTW, Go Bruins!) and an equally ill Cam James.

Being sick transforms me into a breathing corpse on a hunger strike. But antibiotics, a Saturday full of the NHL, and 25% off merchandise is the elixir.

With a great deal of hockey-related Sunday posts looming, NFL Conference Championship Sunday marks the last gambling advice of the year. Paying homage to the departed Abigail Van Buren, here’s a Dear Cheesy column for MTM readers to enjoy.

Dear Cheesy,
Last weekend I tell the wife to get out the domicile an take the yung-uns too cuz I had sum biniz aroun’ the house. Now, I don’t get to lyin’ to the wife much an that don’t even bother me but the truth is I maxed out all the credit cards an took the beloved Falcons minus the three an lost a big-ass lead an only won by two. Do I tell the wife? Should I disown my favorite football team? What should I do?
Signed—Sulking in Suwannee

Haystacks Calhoun’s big boy overalls

Dear Suwannee,
NO! Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Don’t tell the wife and by no means disinherit the Atlanta Falcons; The Swamp Fox had more troubles than you and he didn’t quit on ‘Lanta. Put on your big boy overalls, act inside the house like nothing happened last weekend, drink some ‘Shine, and call your bookie to double-up and offset your losses by taking the four points with the home underdog Falcons. Falcs win, you win, last week never happened, and you get to buy the Mrs. some Daisy Dukes and halter tops.

Dear Cheesy,
Life sucks around here. Soft shell crabs aren’t in season, The Public Professor isn’t answering my phone calls, and Earl Weaver died. The Ravens are playing today and I don’t care as much since Vegas isn’t giving them much of a chance as 7 ½ point underdogs–meaning they’ll choke much the same way the Duke of Earl did on that cruise ship yesterday. Is there anything that can make me happy?
Signed—Stark Raven Depressed

The Roman Umpire was no match for the Duke of Earl
Roman Umpire was no match for Duke of Earl

Dear Depressed,
Hey, Earl lived a good life from all accounts. Throw Ron Luciano’s book on your Amazon wish list to celebrate Weaver’s life and smoke a carton of the departed bench boss’ favorite cigarettes. As for The Public Professor, catch him at a university near you but check those rate-your-professor websites before you invest the time. However, you should be worried about the Ravens up in New England. Today marks the seventh time Baltimore has been “dissed” by odds makers as underdogs and is 2-5 in those games. The solution is easy for the game—bet the Patriots -7 ½ and hope they cover or lose outright as all emotions are covered that way.

The Public Professor has more questions than answers tomorrow.

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About Cheesy Bruin 491 Articles
A man amongst men. Cheesy Bruin kicked cancer to the curb - twice. The Cheese Man's a big, tough teddy-bear who survived the Bronx despite being an unabashed Boston Bruins fan and Sargent-At-Arms for Angry Ward's Urban Spur Posse. Nuff said. Doctors have taken most of this throat and had to make him a new tongue from thigh-meat (his own) and still he won't shut up about the Bruins, Cowboys, Pirates and Cleveland Cavaliers. And yes, his kids do love him.